gray dullness.

It comes to no surprise that i seem to think more these days. all my energy and now even my voice has surrendered to the profession i once beheld with great passion. (partly also because of laryngitis that i have this croaky sounding voice. some say sexy but really i don’t know… )

i think about finances, i think about the future (mine and my daughter’s so that’s double!), i think about this career i knowingly signed up for, and i think about each day. i guess if i had the time to myself i would be journalling my life away… which, now that i think of it, i am sure i can squeeze a good half hour doing whilst i await the princess of a brother to come out from work so we can go home together.

there were so many things i hopingly put off till “i become an MO” as the perception was that i would have more time. and whilst this is all true, somehow i don’t think i am a good steward of that time. i seem just as exhausted and tied down as when i was a houseman, being enslaved by my patients and the endless calls i had to do. now i need to rethink and unravel it bit by bit. perhaps each morsel i can salvage would enrich my life a little at a time, and then i would better enjoy this time of my life.

this phase where i’m neither there nor here, when having enough money is relative, when i can be so calloused at times, and when there is nothing exciting to lurch me forward to tomorrow… this phase of gray dullness. when shopping is a chore, and new shoes just another item to clog my messy room. when fine coffee tastes cheap and the little joys seem too little.

all except vanora.

of course, there is nothing to look forward to if not for her. with her bright eyes, and the excitement that she finds in everything, reminds me of once upon a time. when i saw my world through eyes such as hers. before mine became jaded and grayscale.

sometimes i just want that break with her. and today was one of those days. dressed to nine, matching accessories and my bright clogs to match my fuschia handbag, we turned heads. and for once in a long long time, i felt a warm smile creeping up on my face, and things just looked a little rosier.

thanks princess for showing me the real world. full of laughter, joy and hope.
have a great day every one!

When all you do ends you backed up against a wall…

there are days i just feel down.

but it usually never last a month. but this, this has been for the past 4 going to 5 months. sadly, the only few times i am happier, are when i am at home, or at camp/course. i hate paeds. correction: i hate working in paeds.

it’s not just being an MO. i think i would love the fact i am finally able to make decisions, to be a real doctor. so it must be this.

i love children. always have. but this is an entirely different ball game. this involves politics, heirarchy, inconsistency and illogical planning. there is no justification or reasoning. and from the jaded to the fresh, they all echo a similar plan… it’s just not the proper management and i’m just too ashamed to be a part of it.

maybe that is what frustrates me. it’s not done the right way. the way i remember it. the only person i would commend is LYN. if not for her i think the ward would fall to pieces. sigh… it’s not that the bosses and colleagues are not good. i’m no genius myself. m still learning not to kill patients, esp with my overdosing.

it’s just that i feel people are just so comfortable with their way of managing that i just learn to follow and nothing else. that frustrates me. i know i shouldn’t have to be spoon-fed and i accept my responsibility and esp my own learning, but they so often conflict with what happens in the ward that i just dun really bother anymore.

frustrated is all i am.

have no mood to write more.ciao.

By the end of the day…

An interesting question really.

By the end of today, what do i wish to have happened?

I could come up with a load of things on my wishlist, prayerlist and whatnots. Or i could come up with nothing really. After all, what do i really want at this point in time?

I have had the luxury of being a mom to the most adorable little girl. I have pursued my dreams and am on my way to an exciting career of meeting people and shining on their lives. I know where I am going in the afterlife, and I am glad I know my Saviour. I have a great family and great friends.

So what could i possibly want?

I guess it would be to be able to truly enjoy all these things.

To enjoy the company of my little girl and be a part of her life as she grows. Not just to watch her grow, but to help her along. To put a smile on her face as she does to me. To bring her up in the right way; that I would be a godly mother.

To further pursue my career to be the Paediatric Surgeon that I desire to be. To enjoy and never tire of meeting my patients’ needs. To encourage my juniors and to inspire them to reach beyond where they are. After all, there were so many who inspired me, I owe it to them to pass the passion on.

To enjoy my heavenhood on earth. To bring His kingdomness to where I am, so others may enjoy all that I have enjoyed. To be reminded of all I have endured for His sake, and to know that every altar laid, and every tear shed was not in vain but was for His glory alone. Greater things ahead!

To love and cherish each family member as they rightfully deserve. To listen to the younger ones and be the pillar of comfort and strength, lest they falter. To herald the words of fathers and mothers, as each i treat as my own. Family is where heaven begins, and where would i be without them?

And, friends. True bliss in happy feet days, a solace in days of distress. The ache that won’t go away soothed only by the sweetest of words. Only friends have that touch.

So at the end of the day, i wish i could be a better person. And by God’s grace, I can!

With God’s help, I will do my best to serve God, my church and my fellowman. To live by the Rangers’ Code, to make the Golden Rule, my daily rule.

u r not the only one.

you, of all people, should talk the least. young, immature, and too green to know what i’ve been through. your problems and your experiences are nothing. just evidence of a young boy trying to reach a level he has not attained.

it’s ok. you have time.

i don’t though.

i get the point when you don’t return my calls, smses or greetings. when everything seems too distracting that the person who once distracted you remains a wallflower, there only when the stage is unoccupied.

i understand your emotions of the thrill you get being successful in almost every catch, but truth is, i was on to you. bet you never saw that coming. feel free to ask my friends, cos they know me best.

too bad it didn’t turn out.

tough shit.

in all its glory…

romance, romance. frivolous affairs when the spring rolls into summer…
evident in my four year old, infatuated with a peer, handsome as he is.
love, in the wrong hands, may not be love at all. caught between a love triangle, there is strife between girlfriends where they once held hands.
is it too young? definitely. but if mommy is not getting some, then where is this coming from? media? outside influences? it’s true you can never protect your child enough, but you can most certainly educate them. so that’s what i’ve been doing. sigh… didn’t think it would start this young though… :S

Palpitations.

you know you’re alive when you feel your pulse. True or False?

Duh, any kid can tell you that you don’t need to feel your own pulse to know you’re alive.

if you’re alive, your heart beats. period.

somedays though, you just need to feel that pulsation, to remind you… somedays, palpitations are just so welcomed.

when life numbs you. day after day.

i luv palpitation days.

Love of my life.

one of it anyways.

i’m leaving surgery. and i’m already missing it. the thought of going to an environment that only brings back the rotten memories of my batu pahat experiences, doesn’t help either.
i am gonna miss kak su, the clerk who is so sweet and nice to talk to. the staff nurses, who are ever so helpful and funny. the healthcare attendants, who show me so much favour, even during the busy nights. the janitors, who always greet me with a huge smile, enough to make any bad day bright again…
i’ll miss my colleagues. i’ll miss the nonsense we talk about, how we cover each other’s backs and all the "lawatan sambil belajar" outings we get to go for.
i’ll miss my MOs. i dun think there are ever nicer MOs than those in NW11, especially those throughout my stay there. ever so helpful, genuine, and they are treasured friends more than just bosses… i luv u guys…

to the big bosses… Mr K and Mr G and Mr Bad… you guys are terrific… surgeons i respect and admire. Mr K i admire the clinician you are. how u are so meticulous in your work, how u are like a daddy to us. strict, but always in our best interest.

Mr G you’re the man lar… so fun, nice boss… so chilled…

Mr Bad now only i’m warming up to you, and u’re a great boss too. you know your stuff… that’s a big deal…

i’m gonna miss this ward. and for once i’m not looking forward to a new challenge. sigh.

Hangover.

Getting over it is easy, getting back in track is difficult.
you know you want some more, but the next gulp painfully reminds you of the last puke…
sigh… tragedies in life.
perhaps i should write a book: the tragedies in my life. with no happy ending of course… that’s the whole point of a morbid book isn’t it.
but then, my life has such sweet sweet memories, writing that book would not be entirely all true. it’s just too human to focus on the drama and forget the lil perks on the way. and there were many…
presents i never expected, hugs by people i haven’t seen or heard from in ages, dinners after a long long day at work… an odd sms during a stressed out moment (totally lighting up my countenance!), i crave for these things…
i got the weekend off today. but that’s not a lil perk. it’s a COLOSSAL perk!!!
get to finally blog without falling asleep halfway. get to finally run all the errands i’ve been postponing. get to work on the projects almost overdue!!!
but in empty moments, despite having the iPod glued to my ear, i still have morbid what if moments… can you help it? i’ve got positive family history of chronic thinking, rethinking and analyzing!
thought it was just the stress kicking in… what with the allopecia, sore feet, gaunt look i’m now donning… then i thought i was the hormones… yes i’ll be the first to admit, my hormones get the better of me sometimes, vijay can attest to that… all those once a month blues i get him to listen to… but i suspect it’s a lot deeper than that. with deb and ter’s wedding, my career coming into place, i wonder what the role of family means to me. is being just a mom enough? do i want more? do i have room for more? i don’t even have room for me!
do i want to look for someone? i know people who actively fish and net for chicks just because age is catching up. (lucky for me, he doesn’t know bout this blog!) or do i just wait… waiting is boring, and when someone who is so adorably great walks to your doorstep, i know i’ll hesitate still. and the ones who walk right up to sweep you off your feet, well, one flaw is enough to ruin everything… and you get stabbed in the heart. if you’re unlucky, both of you get stabbed by the same arrow. both bleed love… and die of cardiac tamponade… hahahaha…
do i look back at those i have been with? hmmm… you all know the answer.
so what is my best bet?
Him i guess. He will decide. in the right time, the right one. he may not come sweep me off my feet in a shining armour or white coat (or scrub clothes), but if He brings it to me, then that’s the best i’ll ever have. the right person at the wrong time is also the wrong person right?
(do you see a similar post in my blog? every few months there is bound to be one such post… but i need to remind me and you, that God decides. EVERYTHING! :P)
in conclusion, smile like you mean it… knowing that in due time all will fall into place. don’t be afraid to be single, or a mom with no husband. God has granted me favour to be what i am, and He’s bringing me up slowly to greater heights… in due time. (we surgeons are so fussy and impatient bout everything. so patience is such a BIG problem for me!)
i still wanna learn mandarin, french, spanish…
i still wanna dance (i did! this morning!!! cos i have the weekend off… salsa too)

i still wanna bungee jump, go rock climbing, jump off a bridge into deep waters only to float downstream in my PFD…

i still wanna do so many things… just that i need that reminder so i can keep focus on His plan and not mine. if things are not meant to be, first confirm with God if that’s true, then take it from there…

I AM SO IN LOVE>>>>> WITH GOD!!!!

Facing it.

sometimes denial is a good thing, and ignorance is truly bliss. but most times, the good thing turns sour and bliss is shortlived.
when you know you have to let go, you fight with every strain of thought to not let go.
and it shows. right there, on your countenance. that skewed look of furrowed eyebrows, and a twisted pout. but of course, blame it on stress. it’s the scapegoat for everything…
but when you see him walk through that door, it’s a dead giveaway. you can’t let go.

distance can mend sometimes more than it can break. but as unpredictable as me, well i guess we’ll just sit this one out.

a farewell.

with all my will, but much against my heart, we two now part.
my very dear, our solace is, the sad road lies so clear.
it needs no art, with faint, averted feet and many a tear,
in our opposed paths to persevere.
go thou to east, i west.
we will not say there’s any hope, it is so far away.
but, o, my best!
when the one darling of our widowhead,
the nursling grief,
is dead,
and no dews blur our eyes to see the peach-bloom come in evening skies,
perchance we may,
where now this night is day,
and even through faith of still averted feet,
making full circle of our banishment,
amazed meet;
the bitter journey to the bourne so sweet seasoning the termless feast of our content
with tears of recognition never dry.

Coventry Patmore