much to think about.
Christmas this year has mellowed down in glitz and tinsel. but much richness this season is from the pondering. why we do what we do.
i remember i looked forward to christmas for its tradition. The house scented with cookies, and decorated with the brilliant red and green. Pretty and neatly wrapped boxes arranged under the tree.
The whole family gets all excited as the day approaches. Ladies decked in Sunday’s best, and the men looking all smart and handsome. All are ready and waiting for Church service, but not before the traditional Christmas stew has been cooked for supper later tonight.
Church service is simple and sweet and usually to remind us what a glorious day Christmas is, and of course all can’t help but agree.
Then i find out, my relatives, my mother and my daughter will not be around for christmas. my initial reaction: BUMMER! what’s christmas without them? what do we do then? my dad suggested we go on a road trip, and i agreed.
but deep inside, that’s not what i want for christmas. deep inside, i’m a slave to tradition. i love the decoration, the dinner, the friends and family. i love the presents, giving and receiving. i miss the whole family being together.
sigh, it’s gonna be a different christmas for sure.
we’ll see how it goes…
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Cutting up babies. how it all began.
a trip down memory lane, as suggested by a friend.
fresh into clinical school… like newly bought fish exploring her fish bowl… we were so eager to learn anything. and yet, it was difficult getting people to trust enough to do anything.
i was in my paediatric posting. did not really enjoy it, but still, since there was much to learn it was our passion that drove us to the special care nursery (SCN). when we arrived, we were greeted by our own Dean, Prof. Ramesh. he’s a Paediatric Surgeon, a gentle giant, with all respect.
he was staring at this two day old wee boy, who looked very ill. he had not been able to drink since birth. mommy breast fed him, the nurses cup-fed him, but he kept vomiting. and vomiting with such projection, it scared mommy.
projectile vomiting, he said, must send off the red alarm in your mind. there must be something blocking the passage of food, and that’s what sends the milk back out. the abdominal radiograph showed exactly that. three air bubbles, showing that there were bits of the intestines blocked. he needs surgery, Prof added.
surgery? i wondered. but he’s so young. yet i knew, that the only way this child is gonna survive, is with surgery. Prof mentioned he has put the case up for tomorrow morning. with wide eyed wonder, my friend and i asked if we may witness such an operation. sure, he replied with a smile.
the whole day, the whole scene kept playing, on and on at the back of my mind. i could not forget. and i had to be early.
the next day, i was as nervous as a parent. my friend and i came early, and we both waited patiently for Prof. when he came, he asked if we were ready to scrub in. scrub in? we had only done medical prior. we had never scrubbed in or even witnessed surgery, let alone assisted in one.
patiently he guided us through the steps. he said that he welcomes students to participate, because only then we would learn. wow… nervous yet excited, i scrubbed with my Prof. my friend assisted us in gowning and was the official photographer…
he made a wide incision and carefully separated the layers, each time explaining the anatomy. then he let me touch the organs i had only seen in books and imagined in my head. thrilled… i started asking questions, and looking at every part of that neonate’s body. he showed me the defect and explained what we were doing in that surgery… removing the long string of intestine which had not developed properly and joined the two healthy ends together. marvellous. i saw him handle oh so carefully, as he had sutured the ends together.
then we closed up the abdomen, and he allowed us to look at the specimen he removed. it was so unbelievable, yet it happened!
but what really made me want to become just like him, happened the next day. we visited the child post operation day 1, and i saw this remarkable thriving baby, hungrily gulping down milk, no more sick and weakly, but active and well.
it humbled me to think we take for granted the smallest things in life. and then i just felt i wanted to do this for the rest of my life. make them better. make them live the way they were meant to live.
and so, despite the ups and downs, the challenges i face and will face, i want to be a surgeon, a children’s surgeon.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)it’s not all it’s made out to be.
Sometimes, it’s a great idea to step back, and look through all that has happened in your life, the whole sequence of events. and watch how His plan unfolded just perfectly, even when you thought there were glitches.
and sometimes, you will notice, that the very things you have asked for are not what they were made out to be.
i had, in my mind, laid out the exact blueprint, to the very last detail, to make sure i become all that i had in mind. that’s me, this I-want-to-be-in-control-of-everything person who is so stubbornly dificult.
so, in that context, God is very hard at work humbling me, and snatching the remote out of my would be self destructive hands.
i have been praying so long to stay, finally stay, in KL and serve here. i wanted to stay in paediatrics, at least till i was comfortable enough to deal with kids, so when am a paediatric surgeon, things would be easier. then to slide over to paeds surgery, and work hard enough till i was eligible for masters of paeds surgery… then i’m done! 
homebound!
unfortunately i just couldn’t convince those who handled the applications, to keep me here… to them i was just an applicant. a recalcitrant, foolish applicant no less. yet, the power that my Father has was waaaaaaaay higher than anyone else, so He is Great! 
He turned it around that i got exactly that. to stay in KL.
i was so exhausted in Paeds, and i really dun like ward work so much… so my inner desire was to be rid of that. i didn’t know how, as there are no hospitals without ward rounds, so i never really emphasized it. well well well… He knows all doesn’t he? amazing. Landed me a job with daily rounds of 20 pts only. patients are usually stable. minimal paperwork, and PROCEDURES! albeit minimal at this point, yet the potential… of course, it can’t beat onco or scn, both of which i sorely miss, but i’m here to learn and study and be all the best i can…
it’s just crazy. i never thought i would end up here. i never thought i would be able to have time to myself and for Him. now i know all things really are possible.
if you ever think that things would end up in a slum, and that you would just have to settle for second best, think again. there is no substitute for the best, as i’m learning every day. His way is difficult, but oh so perfect. and i wouldn’t have it any other way…
Golden
i always think that being the golden man is the key to everything… you know, like in switchfoot’s song…
Switchfoot - Faust, Midas, And Myself Lyrics
This one’s about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
He put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off
He said, “I’ve seen you here before
I know your name.
You could have your pick
Of pretty things.
You could have it all
Everything at once.
Everything you’ve seen,
Everything you’ll need,
Everything you’ve ever had in fantasies.”
“You’ve one life,
You’ve one life.
You’ve one life left to lead.”
I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I’ve never seen
With golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don’t think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?
What direction?
What direction?
I’m splitting up!
I’m splitting up!
This is my personal disaffection
What direction? What direction?
What direction now?
I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
My golden eyes were dead
And a thought passed through my head
A heart that is made of gold can’t really beat at all
I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold
What direction?
Death or action!
Life begins at the intersection.
I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With her night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
And what was once routine was now the perfect joy
You’ve one life
You’ve one life
One life left to lead
but you know, He has His way in everything… in especially difficult circumstances. i have been so trodden by my unsure future, and i just wished everything was at my fingertips instead. but you know, at the eleventh hour, He came through. as He always does you know…
i haven’t been blogging in a while. but maybe i will start again soon. life floods my veins again… and my lungs have found my voice!