gray dullness.

It comes to no surprise that i seem to think more these days. all my energy and now even my voice has surrendered to the profession i once beheld with great passion. (partly also because of laryngitis that i have this croaky sounding voice. some say sexy but really i don’t know… )

i think about finances, i think about the future (mine and my daughter’s so that’s double!), i think about this career i knowingly signed up for, and i think about each day. i guess if i had the time to myself i would be journalling my life away… which, now that i think of it, i am sure i can squeeze a good half hour doing whilst i await the princess of a brother to come out from work so we can go home together.

there were so many things i hopingly put off till “i become an MO” as the perception was that i would have more time. and whilst this is all true, somehow i don’t think i am a good steward of that time. i seem just as exhausted and tied down as when i was a houseman, being enslaved by my patients and the endless calls i had to do. now i need to rethink and unravel it bit by bit. perhaps each morsel i can salvage would enrich my life a little at a time, and then i would better enjoy this time of my life.

this phase where i’m neither there nor here, when having enough money is relative, when i can be so calloused at times, and when there is nothing exciting to lurch me forward to tomorrow… this phase of gray dullness. when shopping is a chore, and new shoes just another item to clog my messy room. when fine coffee tastes cheap and the little joys seem too little.

all except vanora.

of course, there is nothing to look forward to if not for her. with her bright eyes, and the excitement that she finds in everything, reminds me of once upon a time. when i saw my world through eyes such as hers. before mine became jaded and grayscale.

sometimes i just want that break with her. and today was one of those days. dressed to nine, matching accessories and my bright clogs to match my fuschia handbag, we turned heads. and for once in a long long time, i felt a warm smile creeping up on my face, and things just looked a little rosier.

thanks princess for showing me the real world. full of laughter, joy and hope.
have a great day every one!

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