gray dullness.
It comes to no surprise that i seem to think more these days. all my energy and now even my voice has surrendered to the profession i once beheld with great passion. (partly also because of laryngitis that i have this croaky sounding voice. some say sexy but really i don’t know… )
i think about finances, i think about the future (mine and my daughter’s so that’s double!), i think about this career i knowingly signed up for, and i think about each day. i guess if i had the time to myself i would be journalling my life away… which, now that i think of it, i am sure i can squeeze a good half hour doing whilst i await the princess of a brother to come out from work so we can go home together.
there were so many things i hopingly put off till “i become an MO” as the perception was that i would have more time. and whilst this is all true, somehow i don’t think i am a good steward of that time. i seem just as exhausted and tied down as when i was a houseman, being enslaved by my patients and the endless calls i had to do. now i need to rethink and unravel it bit by bit. perhaps each morsel i can salvage would enrich my life a little at a time, and then i would better enjoy this time of my life.
this phase where i’m neither there nor here, when having enough money is relative, when i can be so calloused at times, and when there is nothing exciting to lurch me forward to tomorrow… this phase of gray dullness. when shopping is a chore, and new shoes just another item to clog my messy room. when fine coffee tastes cheap and the little joys seem too little.
all except vanora.
of course, there is nothing to look forward to if not for her. with her bright eyes, and the excitement that she finds in everything, reminds me of once upon a time. when i saw my world through eyes such as hers. before mine became jaded and grayscale.
sometimes i just want that break with her. and today was one of those days. dressed to nine, matching accessories and my bright clogs to match my fuschia handbag, we turned heads. and for once in a long long time, i felt a warm smile creeping up on my face, and things just looked a little rosier.
thanks princess for showing me the real world. full of laughter, joy and hope.
have a great day every one!
When all you do ends you backed up against a wall…
there are days i just feel down.
but it usually never last a month. but this, this has been for the past 4 going to 5 months. sadly, the only few times i am happier, are when i am at home, or at camp/course. i hate paeds. correction: i hate working in paeds.
it’s not just being an MO. i think i would love the fact i am finally able to make decisions, to be a real doctor. so it must be this.
i love children. always have. but this is an entirely different ball game. this involves politics, heirarchy, inconsistency and illogical planning. there is no justification or reasoning. and from the jaded to the fresh, they all echo a similar plan… it’s just not the proper management and i’m just too ashamed to be a part of it.
maybe that is what frustrates me. it’s not done the right way. the way i remember it. the only person i would commend is LYN. if not for her i think the ward would fall to pieces. sigh… it’s not that the bosses and colleagues are not good. i’m no genius myself. m still learning not to kill patients, esp with my overdosing.
it’s just that i feel people are just so comfortable with their way of managing that i just learn to follow and nothing else. that frustrates me. i know i shouldn’t have to be spoon-fed and i accept my responsibility and esp my own learning, but they so often conflict with what happens in the ward that i just dun really bother anymore.
frustrated is all i am.
have no mood to write more.ciao.
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