Hangover.
Getting over it is easy, getting back in track is difficult.
you know you want some more, but the next gulp painfully reminds you of the last puke…
sigh… tragedies in life.
perhaps i should write a book: the tragedies in my life. with no happy ending of course… that’s the whole point of a morbid book isn’t it. 
but then, my life has such sweet sweet memories, writing that book would not be entirely all true. it’s just too human to focus on the drama and forget the lil perks on the way. and there were many…
presents i never expected, hugs by people i haven’t seen or heard from in ages, dinners after a long long day at work… an odd sms during a stressed out moment (totally lighting up my countenance!), i crave for these things…
i got the weekend off today. but that’s not a lil perk. it’s a COLOSSAL perk!!!
get to finally blog without falling asleep halfway. get to finally run all the errands i’ve been postponing. get to work on the projects almost overdue!!!
but in empty moments, despite having the iPod glued to my ear, i still have morbid what if moments… can you help it? i’ve got positive family history of chronic thinking, rethinking and analyzing!
thought it was just the stress kicking in… what with the allopecia, sore feet, gaunt look i’m now donning… then i thought i was the hormones… yes i’ll be the first to admit, my hormones get the better of me sometimes, vijay can attest to that… all those once a month blues i get him to listen to… but i suspect it’s a lot deeper than that. with deb and ter’s wedding, my career coming into place, i wonder what the role of family means to me. is being just a mom enough? do i want more? do i have room for more? i don’t even have room for me!
do i want to look for someone? i know people who actively fish and net for chicks just because age is catching up. (lucky for me, he doesn’t know bout this blog!) or do i just wait… waiting is boring, and when someone who is so adorably great walks to your doorstep, i know i’ll hesitate still. and the ones who walk right up to sweep you off your feet, well, one flaw is enough to ruin everything… and you get stabbed in the heart. if you’re unlucky, both of you get stabbed by the same arrow. both bleed love… and die of cardiac tamponade… hahahaha…
do i look back at those i have been with? hmmm… you all know the answer.
so what is my best bet?
Him i guess. He will decide. in the right time, the right one. he may not come sweep me off my feet in a shining armour or white coat (or scrub clothes), but if He brings it to me, then that’s the best i’ll ever have. the right person at the wrong time is also the wrong person right?
(do you see a similar post in my blog? every few months there is bound to be one such post… but i need to remind me and you, that God decides. EVERYTHING! :P)
in conclusion, smile like you mean it… knowing that in due time all will fall into place. don’t be afraid to be single, or a mom with no husband. God has granted me favour to be what i am, and He’s bringing me up slowly to greater heights… in due time. (we surgeons are so fussy and impatient bout everything. so patience is such a BIG problem for me!)
i still wanna learn mandarin, french, spanish…
i still wanna dance (i did! this morning!!! cos i have the weekend off… salsa too)
i still wanna bungee jump, go rock climbing, jump off a bridge into deep waters only to float downstream in my PFD…
i still wanna do so many things… just that i need that reminder so i can keep focus on His plan and not mine. if things are not meant to be, first confirm with God if that’s true, then take it from there…
I AM SO IN LOVE>>>>> WITH GOD!!!!
Uncategorized | Comment (1)Facing it.
sometimes denial is a good thing, and ignorance is truly bliss. but most times, the good thing turns sour and bliss is shortlived.
when you know you have to let go, you fight with every strain of thought to not let go.
and it shows. right there, on your countenance. that skewed look of furrowed eyebrows, and a twisted pout. but of course, blame it on stress. it’s the scapegoat for everything…
but when you see him walk through that door, it’s a dead giveaway. you can’t let go.
distance can mend sometimes more than it can break. but as unpredictable as me, well i guess we’ll just sit this one out.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)a farewell.
with all my will, but much against my heart, we two now part.
my very dear, our solace is, the sad road lies so clear.
it needs no art, with faint, averted feet and many a tear,
in our opposed paths to persevere.
go thou to east, i west.
we will not say there’s any hope, it is so far away.
but, o, my best!
when the one darling of our widowhead,
the nursling grief,
is dead,
and no dews blur our eyes to see the peach-bloom come in evening skies,
perchance we may,
where now this night is day,
and even through faith of still averted feet,
making full circle of our banishment,
amazed meet;
the bitter journey to the bourne so sweet seasoning the termless feast of our content
with tears of recognition never dry.
Coventry Patmore
Uncategorized | Comment (0)KLM 810.
as if it wasn’t a weird enough year to begin with, being left alone is probably never the best idea for Morbid Me. today she flies away. i’m frustrated, depressed, guilty… all the grief emotions simultaneously… because it was just too short the time spent with her. and she is going away for just too long.
i want to cuddle her, and hold her. want to watch silly vcds and sing silly songs and salsa and belly dance with her. i want her to fall asleep in my arms, like she used to when i wasn’t working. (now, i fall asleep way before she does).
i miss her. my own angel. please come back safely.
i’ve abandoned her so long, she’s finally avenged herself by abandoning me. and now i feel so lost without her in this empty house, i feel what it’s like for her when i’m on call. bleeding from the outside in. wishing, waiting, hoping. and yet, knowing she won’t turn up at the doorstep anytime soon. three weeks is just too long. i’m sorry for all my overnights. i’m sorry i’m always too tired to be by your side and to be your mom. i’m sorry. really i am.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)a bientot..
sometimes we give up the treasures we cherish most, in faith. we bare out our cloaks, and empty our pockets, knowing the eternal lies ahead, and treasures up there yield a greater joy. sometimes i wish we were wrong.
knowing where each road takes us, burrows into my vein
the weight of each matter, the choices taken in vain
the greatest journey is not from point A to point B, but
indeed the hardest road to travel, from the mind to the heart.
needful steady hands going through the motions
wishful thinking of magic fountains, love potions
wanting so badly the very thing i cannot redeem
priorities in life filling me to the brim.
so soon to face at last the climax of this day
to know for sure, if anything will happen come what may
to understand fully the emotions a-swirling
with steaming hot cup cakes and coffee still brewing.
reminiscence the periperi and the great near midnight escape
countless moments we had, with work as a drape
knowing one day too soon we shall say
a bientot, catch you around, maybe someday.