De-Homing.

the rain, like tears, trickle down. rain of cleansing, i always say, to purify us.
my last trip back to KL from Batu Pahat. i’m not sure, if this goodbye is really so light, or the reality of sentiments left behind hasn’t dug in yet.
my room stripped bare, the hall and kitchen, hardly seems like what we spent most evenings in. sighing, seems almost like breathing now.
i never really thought i would have such strong feelings about this place. but now i realize, home is what we make of it. a great housemate, great friends who stopped by and hung out, a life in this lifeless place. it’s not KL, but sure is good enough.
no i don’t want to stay here another six months, neither do i feel that i should devote years of my career life in Hospital Batu Pahat, but… It has been pleasant. truly memorable. indeed.

i tripped.

one week before submission of our portfolio, the ticket to sitting for exam, for qualifying, for being a doctor, for all this misery to end, my pen drive went missing. i distinctively remember it in my bag, when i was trying to juggle my books, labcoat and wear the earphones of my iPod as i walked home. after the music saturated my ears and momentarily clouded my mind, i thought nothing of it. after busying myself with a lot nonsense as i usually do, i finally convinced myself the faster i work on my reports the faster it would end. so i searched for the pendrive which held all my documents, the updated ones at that. Nothing in the bag. Hmmmm… my labcoat perhaps. Nothing. a raised eyebrow in alarm, but in no major panic. finally, after emptying everything and arranging them neatly on the table, still nothing!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…
ok, breathe… don’t panic. just retrace your steps and you will find it. nothing to worry. not like you haven’t lost things before…
i walked out back toward uni, my head fixed downwards, focusing on everything that might resemble a white pendrive with cherry red string. and then i headed back, in the same way, perhaps a little slower so as not to miss anything.
i came home, and ransacked the hall,and my labcoat, and my bag. Nothing. in my head came all the songs on God giving and taking away. and how i will still praise Him. and you know what, i just did that. nonstop. another walk out and my head hung lower than before, not focused, but more disappointed.
frustrated, i sent messages to ask for prayer. SOS, please help. If He doesn’t listen to me, maybe if we all plead together it would be better.
came home, growing even more depressed by the minute. no one could talk to me, not even Pa. i couldn’t even journal. drew something instead. felt the whole future, or what i perceived as my future crumble right before my eyes.
thanks to those who prayed. and those who made me go out and have fun to destress. angels in disguise, even if i tease you all sorts of unheavenly names…
i didn’t find my pen drive. and no back up of files. gotta start from scratch. but it isn’t the circumstance. it never was about the circumstance. it is the mindset, the heart and the ability to go on… that strength is supernatural. Thanks GOD, for that.

PS: anybody in Batu Pahat found a white pendrive? you wouldn’t want it. Got a virus inside, and crazy portfolios you wouldn’t dare hand in…

Who am I?

Who am i
that the Lord of all the earth,
would care to know my name,
would care to feel my hurt?

Who am i
that the Bright and Morning Star
would choose to light the way
for my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who i am but because of what You’ve done
Not because of what i’ve done but because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow,
a wave tossed in the ocean,
a vapour in the wind.
Still, You hear me when i’m calling
Lord You catch me when i’m falling
You taught me who i am
I am Yours.

Who am i
that the eyes that see my sin
would look on me with love
and watch me rise again?

Who am i
that voice that calms the sea
would call out through the rain
and calm the storm in me?

Not because of who i am but because of what You’ve done
Not because of what i’ve done but because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow,
a wave tossed in the ocean,
a vapour in the wind.
Still You hear me when i’m calling
Lord You catch me when i’m falling
You taught me who i am
I am Yours.

I am Yours.

~Casting Crowns

Baby Breakdown.

Oh, fine… so i cried in Uni on monday… it was a legitimate reason…

this whole semester, 5 months plus, i have bee travelling up and down the Peninsula, juggling between motherhood and a student life. Life is hard.
Harder still, when you are a mom.
last weekend, as usual, was spent with my daughter, Vanora (Mommy’s Angel as she is more fondly known). Somehow this weekend was different. Now, children at this age, are very dependent on their parents, and she being so far from me most of the week, usually "stocked up" her supply of love, cuddles and pampering by being with me 24hrs a day. this time, she sounded morose, and pleaded many times with me to play with her. initially i responded with a "sure" and a smile, nonchalantly. but after awhile, it struck me as abnormal…
also i found her crying over nothing at all, despite a good mood: being well fed, well rested, etc. finally it dawned on me. my daughter was finding it difficult to cope.
oh, the pain of such a realization.
you never want to see a child cry. you never want the crying child to be yours. you never want to be the one making her cry. and that i did.
i imposed such a harsh condition upon her, expecting her to understand. i thought that it would be over soon, i was sure she could hang on.
but she is but a child. a child more in need, having only one parent. she can’t understand the concept of time, she can’t understand the stupid things adults do. she is just a child.
and i expected so much from her.
i used to tell myself, she is a strong girl, she will be ok. no matter how strong you are, one day you will bend under pressure.
i am only praying the weeks go by faster. not for my sake, but hers.
she is so brave, and so wonderful. her strength keeps me going… but when her strength diminishes, how do i go on?

Sparks fly… (How could this be?)

Please tell me, because i don’t understand, how after three years of bringing this life into the world, after knowing such an adorable face, that you are willing to put a guy between you?

kanye west appreciated his mom saying, "…
And you never put no man over me, And I love you for that mommy cant you see?"

just reading the papers, and seeing such pitiful faces at the orthopaedic ward, brings tears to my eyes. How can i go on, seeing such pain in their eyes? i keep thinking that these children are my daughter’s age. i know i can’t go through life, seeing such things happen to her. and reading the papers about shearwey, God Help This World! i can’t believe people would stoop down to such vile and sick vices, for no apparent reasons. sigh… depressed mood.

there was a boy in the paediatric ward i was told to clerk. after three questions, i felt dizzy. another one, another one! sigh… dutifully i clerked the patient, and examined him. talking to him softly and handling him gently, i just couldn’t help thinking of my previous patient. the one who was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia, and passed away. sigh… depression…

Counting Down…

As always, there are times of reflection interspersed during seasons of business, and work. Such times have arrived, as portfolios and corrections mount up in front of me, creating a wall between me and the mattress, and millions of forms come flying in your direction as suddenly, you are introduced into the working world, with forms and forms and more forms.

And then i wonder, is this how it has all come down to? all the slogging, all the sleepless nights, or worse, the torture of being sleepy and yet, unable to sleep because there are so many things to read up… all the events and functions missed in sacrifice to the conscience, hoping that would ease the stress and relieve the anxiety… the distance between relationships ever expanding, as there was neither time to talk nor spare of but a fleeting thought…

now, when the finishing line is just yonder, i wonder, am i gonna trip and fall? or will i make it through, unscathed?

i have come to learn a lot about people and their priorities, and how their demons show when you least expect it. i have come to honour people who truly don’t demand it, yet have shown such admirable qualities, i hardly realize i am still in Batu Pahat. i have come to understand, timing, and character are essential in everything we do. that even though we work our best, if we haven’t the character and it isn’t the right timing, it just won’t work well.

i have come to see how coveted we are as pofessionals, and how we often demand so much, as if God Himself ordained us a level higher than others. and i have realized that, sometimes i lose my humanity. seeing a close friend who just suffered a stroke could not pull my heart strings the way it did years ago. but it is easy to fall back on your knees and retrieve that flesh, that praecordium that makes us human back again. and so, periodically, that is exactly what i need to do.

finally as i start to end my posting here, i begin opening my eyes. like a toddler brought to the play ground for the first time, i feel like the world is out there, waiting for me to explore and PLAY! There will definitely be other people around - bullies, parents, nice kids, preschool teachers… new relationships to forge, old friendships to rekindle and a whole lot of FUN! Let the GOOD times roll…

BRING IT ON!!!

Ps: I have been toying with the idea of going to a crazy, work-filled hospital, simply because it is near, but more importantly, because of the work… such an adventure ahead…

Rock With You

need to get a dog, some fishes in a bowl too
and wrap some pretty pink frocks, (ok, one can be blue)
for the little child with eyes small and eyelashes long
who waits patiently, and forgives Mommy’s wrong.

need to look out for the clinic along a KL street
where the people in line look worn and beat
need to help out with wounds and dirty feet
need to share a poor man’s seat.

need to look out for wedding wares
to browse through sales and fairs
for the many weddings and functions lie in wait
so many my calendar has run out of an empty date.

finally after ages it seems, finally i have arrived
at the point of time i can lay down all i have strived
to keep at bay as i focused on exams and being the healer
now, to relax and do things with grace and saunter.

at the last leap before i finish this course,
and before i yield to my next task, and my next boss
i want to relax and come back to my old life
before i pursue a life of holding the knife.

i guess this invitation is to all who know
and realise time is too short for me to say hello
so if you understand, call me,find me, for a drink
soon soon, as exams are just at the brink.

Fortunate Fool.

Lonely, sitting on the worned out wooden bench, holding a lollypop as if there was only one left in this world, she lifted her legs and gracefully curled them under her. perhaps, it was best that she was by herself.
somehow, ants being ants, sniffed the sweetness of her beloved treasure, and sneaked up beside her, marching as usual, completely focused on their goal. slightly frustrated, she shooed the trail of disciplined bugs away, and shifted three inches closer to the edge.
three flies buzzing around, having a blast with the stale water of the man-made lake, stopped in the midst of their frolic. what a heavenly breeze, they each thought. their gaze drawn to the pretty pink and white candy waving yonder, suddenly all else seemed less appealing. all that mattered, was to savour that sugary delight.

as if she heard them discussing miles away, she felt a knot tighten in her stomach. more mischief lay ahead. carefully wrapping her lolly with her handkerchief, she decided to make a run for it. the swings look safe enough. oh, but the flies, they had a plan. let’s befriend her, they said. let’s make her feel comfy with us. and so they did. the best of friends they had become to be, but all this while, the flies never let the lolly out of their sight. poor oblivious girl, she had no clue.

now, it is probably never a good idea to befriend anything most ordinary people shun. but she being lonely, understood. and all friends were welcome, and they were never to feel lonely again. gradually, her guard was let down, and her grip on her prized possession weakened. and, without a moment’s notice, the flies zoomed in. naturally, being flies, they begin to quarrel, and fight, as they each wanted the huge prize all for themselves. amusingly, since they were probably of equal strength and tactic, they began to form allies. a passerby bee was employed to help the two flies, while the other sought her help instead. her help, you may ask? after all, it was her lolly they were casting lots for. how dare they? How dare he?

yet, bold as a fly could be, he did. as soothing as voice as he could muster, as powerful hypnotism as he knew how, he succeeded. at least for a while. realizing though, that his very vulnerable position could land him between the mashes of a swatter, he cunningly began his magic on his enemy too. after all, what could be worse than both enemies ganging up on him?

the little girl, sad that what she sought after had been contaminated by useless flies, got even more confused, with all the buzzings around. the flies, were a greater evil indeed, compared to all the other pests she had encountered. the bee, although not particularly interested in sweetness other than nectar, somehow made it her personal mission to aid the flies in whatever way. so often she would pass on advice to the confused little girl, which muddled everyone’s mind up really.

by this time, the little girl decided enough was enough. first step, retrieve what belonged to her. the rest of the plan as she knew it was, well, to RUN! HIDE! and IGNORE!

for a good time, she did well, washing off the contaminants left by the yucky flies, and annoying bee. but they kept buzzing after her, refusing to let go of what they had already savoured.

the ants were friendly and wanted nothing more than to share the gastronomical delight with her. now they were just too far, and as it is with ants, far from sight, far from mind. they had even forgotten what beauty lay in the hand of that little girl.

so what should the ending be? that she remained her naive and nice little self, or that she brought on the electronic fly swatter and left no prisoners?

personally i prefer the more gruesome one. unfortunately the flies, the ants and the bee still thrive and consume more of the oxygen shared by the rest of the inhabitants of this planet.