You just don’t know.

Peculiar body, peculiar gene.

to do what the heart tells you not to do. a guess there is rebellious streak in every part of you.

to study hard, yet your concentration is on other things. to be hyperphagic with increasing frequencies, yet wanting to slim down. (Manic Disorder?) To assume so much, yet rather wait for confirmation of everything before acting on it.

i want to pass but i wanna be done now. i want to know everything but i dun want to study… what stress i am in. till the resilience built in me has screwed me inside out.

this exam is no joke. and i’m not prepared to laugh this all away yet. sigh…

Headless, Clueless.

What would you do, if the dr told you the child you’ve preciously been carrying these months would not survive a week outside the womb? You tried so hard conceiving, in sacrifice of sleepless nights wondering when the pregnancy test would show you the result you have been waiting for. You waited month after month, only to find your menstruation is as normal as ever. Just to have one healthy child. Just one.

The first ever pregnancy didn’t go too well. She was barely 4 months, not even able to breathe when she died. You were certain that someday soon, you will gather the courage to try again. And to hope for a healthy bundle. After five horrific months of flashbacks, and night terrors, finally you decided to give it another try. After all, children are a blessing. And I’m sure God wants to bless His children… Doesn’t He?

Blissfully uneventful, the six months wheezed by. somehow though, your tummy just seems way too big. Twins, maybe, to compensate for all my sorrow?

Life can be so cruel.

Your baby has no head.

As you lie on the bed and the doctor scans your tummy, curious junior doctors and medical students awe at the sight of this headless creature swimming inside of you. The world seem so blurry as your eyes water incessantly. …. Termination of pregnancy is the best for you. The baby can’t survive anyway… The rest of the words seemed to trail off in the background, something about no one picking it up earlier, even though it was easily recognisable at 10 weeks. You don’t care. It was too good to be true anyway, having this pregnancy. Takdir, is what your mom usually says in consolation. In fact, right now you hear her voice echo in the distance. Let it go, child, it’s God’s will…

The surreal experience didn’t fade back into reality for the next few hours. All you know is that, you are so tired of trying. So damn tired of holding on to hope, that one day a bundle in your arms, suckling at your breast, would truly be yours. Healthy pink and yours.

How would you counsel a patient with anencephaly?

Take me higher…

In life, it’s all about escalating. At least that is what our goal should be. Following rounds with Dato Siva was awe-inspiring. He talked about how the drive of work, and the passion of doctoring, should be cultivated daily, in the pursuit of the most accurate diagnosis clinically with minimal investigations (and the least sufferring), and to relieve suffering or alleviate the patient’s symptoms, if not cure the disease. Everyone has their ups and downs, and the mundanity of life especially as a house officer. But the zeal, the motivation that brought us through the hardships of this medical course should pull us toward such attitudes. So much easier said than done, as i am hardly even a dedicated student, running off home every weekend, and having a blast of a time in Seremban. Although i do my fair share of covering the ward (each person interviews and examines a few patients so that all the patients have been discussed), and we are interested in other patients and thigns like that, I am physically and mentally drained by the end of the working week. How then would i cope if i have to work nonstop, out of responsibility and not of interest? Would i slouch into the Couch of Complacency, for the lack of strong motivators, such as the esteemed Dato? I wish to be of excellent quality and attitude, yet being not far from graduating, i hardly see myself the way i envisioned i would be five years ago before entering university. i guess for now, only time will tell…

“Only moving fingers write, and having written moves on.” Omar Khayom.

For every loss…

Twas almost unimaginable, that my brother would forget the date of departure and miss his flight. Although i do believe a part of him would love to be at home, and never have to leave, i cannot really expect him to do that on purpose. But the good thing was i, we as a whole family got to see him off. That really did it for me, making me feel all better that i wasn’t missing him too much by being so faraway for his departure.
Better still, i had the privillege of meeting up with people so dear to me, yet so DIFFICULT to get a hold of. (Ok, my fault too, i am a busy woman too!). Just them being there made me feel revived, with renewed passion to strengthen old ties, and flourish the new ones. Miss you peeps!!!

When it seems to be a morbid and mischievious day, the sunshine falls soft on my face, and the wind brushes gently against my cheek. Just when i feel i want to scream in anxiety and worry, there is such peace, the calm of a lazy river bed, floating my mind to a place of solitude, and rest.

What doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger.

I wanna be a butterfly…

spend your childhood eating and sleeping,
adolescence sleeping,
and adulthood flying eating and laying eggs.

if only life was that simple.

If you thought you could earn someone’s heart by doing what is best for them, i guess nothing is what they seem. if i had a choice, i wouldn’t have changed a bit. i don’t want to be a happy friend, who will just go around making you feel good. if that be the case, i would have bought you ganja, to lose all your worries, at least when i am around. but you knew this would come, and you denied it. i didn’t hasten it, although i really wanted to, but more than that, i just wanted you to be prepared. so when it comes, you can still be afloat.
if you don’t believe me, there is nothing that i can say or do from this time on. just hope that you will let me know when i can approach you and things would be better. i hope.

maybe i should just be a fish. to live swimming and die swimming. not much on the agenda day to day.

Humans have the most complex things to deal with. sigh…

Shut Down…

Do you really think i intend to have my whole life serve you hand and foot? Although i wouldn’t have had any hesitation if you would have sincerely needed my assistance, this has gone too far. Not only do i feel drained because you use me to get to someone who will not be close to you, yet you do these things with full conviction, and yet full denial, claiming you have done no wrong. What then should i say to the likes of you? Which of my words would you fully grasp? Have i made sense with all my reasoning, with all my reasons spoken til my tongue falls limply, dry and exhausted from my unheard words?
He does not want you, no matter how you look at it. He will not throw away the love he has so affectionately preserved for a fleeting moment with you. If truly you love him, then let him be!
i have talked to you, and yet you say nothing. reasoned with you, yet all the doubts planted have benefitted you not. In the final hope before  surrendering you to nothingness, of wistful ignorance of your melancholic state, i hereby admittedly, aloud, proclaim my stand. And that stand is that i will not be involved, directly or indirectly concerning the relationships of supposed husband and supposed wives of our community.

Looking down.

Mountaintops only make us look up and enjoy the view never seen the whole journey up. But then we look down and feel all dizzy. "Wait a minute, what happens when i fall down?" "Oh gosh! There is no way I am going back down there, after all, I’m finally up here. What could i possibly want all the way down there?"

Sometimes, those could be the most dangerous words spoken.

After some thought on my Huge life-changing experience, I realize that getting here, moving forward and getting my life back to order is less valuable, then the aching quadriceps and tired arms climbing the way up. True, i LOVE Mountaintop Experiences. But inasmuch as i want to remain here, i know i don’t truly belong here. At least not yet.

Humans being humans want easy lives. But we fail to realize, life is a journey, and it is in this journey that our imperfections are rubbed off, sometimes scraped off (accompanied with lots of bruising and pain), and it would not end until we are complete and wholly perfect. Mountaintops are great R&R stations, but definitely not conducive to grow, to learn and to fall (by golly, the last one is speaking from experience - it is MUCH TOO PAINFUL to fall from great heights).

this year, gotta really sit down and think this through. I am no Sadist-Masochist, wanting pain and all, but if it will make me stronger…

The OC.

i only knew her as a Labour Room Specialist, but today, she blew me away. Not only was i impressed when doing Obstetrics as a specialist who pays so much attention to students, but now as i learn her other specialty: Gynaecological Oncology.

Never have i met a lady so passionate about such bleak discipline. And never have i heard her reason of such zeal: the dramatic effect of successful treatment. How one moment the future hung morbidly by a thin, fraying thread, and the next instant (well not instant, after the treatment has been completed), they are completely healed. Obviously the other oncologists have impressed me with their interest in research and excitement in stats etc, but hearing her… it was like hearing myself talk about surgery!

this lady is so passionate, so daring, so deeply rooted in compassion and wanting to heal that it rubbed off on me. it made me relive my passion for more…

Dr. Zainab Yahya, i salute you!

(plus, i think she is sooo pretty!)

Humble Beginnings.

It is nice to start the year on your knees. to really know what to do this year. to seek the the strength to accomplish all we desire. but most of all, to say that i am gonna start it right. with You, because apart from you i have no good thing.

People love to message all sorts of quirky messages during the holidays. and it got me thinking, about resolutions and man-made plans. I must admit, I never seem to make any resolutions I can ever keep, so I have long since stopped such traditions. This time, with renewed hope, and realizing i won’t be venturing this alone, i decided to take up this old practice, and put to use.

My Resolutions this year 2007

1. to be patient with the people i can’t stand the most. i know that loving people (like my avid fans reading this blog) are much easier to tolerate, but people who irritate me just by occupying space in my visual field? diffcult i am sure. but knowing gene, a good challenge is exactly what i need to make this year more the adrenaline rush.
2. To compose one poem, prose or play act per week. and to publish the good ones of course. still figuring out which ones are good, and where or how to publish them though.
3. To make sure i don’t overspend myself so i can take a holiday to UK/Europe this year. Keep careful tabs of every penny, as impossible as it seems…
4. This year i want to make my own plans and keep them. To think of myself for a change, instead of being persuaded and obliged into following everyone else’s. I got a planner for that purpose, and every night i intend not to doze off but to make sure i fulfill my objectives for the day before i lay my head to rest.
5. To climb another rung on the ladder of life, with Him, isn’t really a resolution. It’s just part of living. But this time i want to do with fully aware, and proactive on improving myself. to be genuinely kinder and more loving, to be neutral when the need arises, and not to be too carried away by passion.
6. To keep my passion, there when i need it (lest i be old and haggard, lack of zeal in life), but to keep my emotions under wraps, and only to harness its power when need be.

Well, that sums up my resolutions for the year. I’m planning to be bigger, better, YOUNGER in all i do. Wish me All the Best!