disappointment takes its toll.
You know you’re not a patient person when feeding a child becomes a major chore. You know you’re not a patient person when egomaniacs, no matter how much a friend he was initially, Pisses the holy socks off you. You know you’re not a patient when waiting for someone to pick you up boils you over, and your whole evening is ruined. You know you’re not a patient person when your good day turns sour with a click of the mouse, or when your msges or nudges are unheeded. I know for a fact, that I am not a patient person. Which qualifies me, i think, for grace. As a doctor, I should be in the Trauma Dept.
I thought it was the biggest ordeal waiting for buses during my attachment. Even though i was given the leniency of coming in at anytime i wish (and still got a great review), I couldn’t stand the fact i had to wait for something more than five minutes. I know we all live in an express world where everything is timed for efficiency. Yet i can’t help but wonder how do most people who rely on public transport live with themselves wasting so much precious time?
Now I know He keeps surprising me with more and more each day. raise up the bar as soon as i’ve gotten the hang of it. I’m not one for criticizing primadonnas and divas who think they’re all that, and i will always bend over backwards for friends whom i believe are worth it. and most times, i’m not wrong - they are always worth it… That is, until I’ve met my match. the more i bend the more he demands of it. the typical prick who picks on you, and never forgets. one wrong move and you’re guilty for the rest of his life. and dun bother looking for an audience with the king, cos he ain’t gonna forget, and neither will he forgive.
Man, the first time i met him he was all weird. It took ages to actually get on his "warm" side. most people consider it the achievement of a lifetime. And i was grateful for his friendship. But then due to his most unstable PMS not testosterone-driven (seeing as he probably has only baseline levels of it), somehow something i did which i am clueless about ticked him off, and lo and behold, i’m the sworn enemy.
Friends to me are few and far between. Acquaintances, well that’s
another story (some i shamefully admit i can’t even remember their
names). Only a few make it from that level higher. Surprisingly he was
one of them. And i do a lot of things for my friends, so covering for
his moods and being his PR wasn’t a big thing.
I don’t get it really. somethings in life are worth fighting for, so i thought. so i msged and i smsed. i called and i tried being nice. Mr. Talk-to-the-hand decided i’m so not worth the trouble. So he decides to ignore me. In every single way. I cannot believe it.
It amazing how you can get so pissed, that at the end of it, who cares? that you fume and fume and boil and bubble, but eventually, nothing is going to change. Because i thought that even though chances are he will piss me off in uni, it’s beneath me to get back at him. initially thought of how to permanently ruin his life. and i can definitely think of ways to do that. given the temperature inside, i would gladly go out of my way to cruelly torture him every day. Yet i’m not going to.
This blog entry was just designed to make me think more about the situation. Not really to update you who are clueless, nor to send our warning signals to all who wish to follow in this one man’s trail. To forgive this guy takes love. to be patient, even more love. i am not sure i can cope with it. but i gotta. Love covers a multitude of wrong…
Love
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If
I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all
knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not
love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love
never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where
there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it
will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When
I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I
reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind
me. 12Now we see but a poor
reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know
in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)Clues to where we are.
you realised if, like me, age has begun to embarass you, that many seemingly insignificant things become important, and the whoop-dee-do events in life seem like a worn out party hat.
after all, it is Life’s ironicities that make it what it is. and it’s fun that way.
6 weeks are nearly up, and my seemingly horrendous exposure to the infectious disease area that is Hospital Orang Asli Gombak, has left me with more than just relief. i wanted the attachment to be over so badly, now that i’m at my final few days, i kinda want more.
let me start over with all the blanks filled. in semester 8, aka the HoneyMoon Period, we are supposed to carry out two activities. one was Electives (basically a holiday packaged to look educationaly - kinda like our Lawatan Sambil Belajar, only this we plan out ourselves), which we were to spend 6 weeks learning a skill, or completing a task. the more studious people would venture into other areas of medicine, to acquire exposure, and knowledge, which may never be experienced in our 5 short years of Medical Science. the other lot, the Gene-type people, would look for the easiest way to finish our assignment and get ready for FUN!so SWEEP was the official elective, and the other four weeks were my fun time (including europe).
next task was Selectives. basically there is a list of hospitals that would we can attach to, under various disciplines. for 3 weeks, our focus would be medical and the next 3 weeks it would be surgical. so i decided (i don’t know what made me do this) to choose Hospital Gombak. firstly, friends who were there said it was no vacation, and that there will be lots of things to do. then a lecturer said, oh good, because there you will learn the art of communication, because they can hardly speak your language. and another, that place is filled with patients plagued with infectious disease. i’m sure you’ll find it very interesting.
good grief! had i only known sooner.
the next thing i knew, i was to go halfway to the moon and back to reach this isolation of a hospital. apparently there was only one bus going that area, so i ended up taking and LRT from one end to the other, a feeder bus out to a main road, and the famous 174 into the old road up to Gentings, to the 12th mile where i would be working.
I didn’t really expect this i guess. yet that was what made it so exciting. plunging into this secluded Health Centre, knowing no one and nothing.
By the second day of work, i wanted to just quit. If this is all to working here, then I’ve learnt enough. After all, it is all about the mundane things, clerking patients, prescribing medicines, and writing out MCs. Typical Boring GP work, which i am not going to devote the prime days of my youth and career for. I thrive on excitement and adventure. Show me the Surgery, and weird procedures. Let me deliver twins or something. Not plain work that needs no brains to solve. Not that GPs have no adventure. It’s just that they live and survive on the mundane, and become good at it.
I would journal and read, trying to occupy my time as best i can, without seeming bad for my review. If only i knew sooner that I would get excellent review no matter what. 
I tried to be interested in the ward work. Yet since there was no one to teach me or who could help me, i was beside myself and felt really redundant there. So i decided i’ll be where everyone is and at least some knowledge could rub off. Thanks to the three drs who were there: Dr Fred, Dr Ling and Dr Fairuz. They really exerted their patience on me, a quality i have not yet developed.
I guess time rubbed some sense into me instead, as i delved deeper into the face value of the patient instead of just being a doctor who sees and prescribed. Sometimes, when you see so many, you just have to glance and then, it’s a spot Diagnosis. Then you forget to feel for the patient. Then you lose the humane side of a doctor. Sometimes i loathe patients with chronic illness, because they never seem to have their condition under control. Sometimes, i lose my temper with them and become sarcastic - a very common sequelae noted among GPs. But then i think back and decide to spend more time with them and really ask them questions and get to their level, and then i realize, they don’t know any more about their disease as they know what the square root of 761 is. to them, they just want to live long and well, but they don’t see how popping pills twice a day can help, let alone staying off certain foods are quintessentially part of the management of the disease.
So i shifted from wanting to express myself and explore more of medicine (Hosp JHEOA is the wrong choice for that, believe me!), and focused on these people. They need help, more than just medical help. They need to know how to live right, how to keep clean, and why these things are important. They need to hear from someone the real reason why these things occur, in simple language, and they need someone to hear and address their worries and concerns.
so i laugh with them, and talk to them, and let them know i’m here to help them understand. So many think that Diabetes Mellitus can be cured, and Hypertension is because of stress alone, so they want leave from work so that they can be cured. They are firm believers of traditional medicines and while we don’t really approve of it, we don’t condemn it either.
I want to help them so much more that by the end of the six weeks, i felt deeply perturbed and dissatisfied. Maybe Dr Ling and Sister was right, that i should just apply for a job there after my housemanship. Or maybe i can carry this feeling to whereever i go, knowing that people will be people and they will need that same care i offered the Orang Asli. It’s not easy, as that hospital was puny in capacity, compared to the Health Ministry’s hospital. So the chances of burn out is way high. But maybe that’s what my dreams are for. To inspire, and to pick me up when i feel all wiped out. It’s gonna be a crazy life, but that’s exactly what i’ve been yearning for. To go all out and do my best. To be Gene.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)thoughts from afar
It seems to be the season where, in spite of all my bustle
and activity, God seems the nearest. And when things wind down, and I make time
for Him, that’s when I feel Him far. I suppose He likes the impromptu better.
Early morning appointments are good and fine, but I guess He wants to be part
of everything that, routine and rituals seem to just get in the way.
I know I’m no spiritual seer, nor am I the higher range of
Godly; in fact, I am but the lowliest. That said, I know He loves the lowliest
too, because He can’t seem to get away from me. Keeps minding my business and
making His way into every circumstance I’m in. Weird of God to do so, but true.
I’m currently so broke I can’t possible afford a single
luxury item, and I am forced to depend on His hand. His sense of humour makes
me curious as to what He would do next. It seems everytime, He’ll do something
and instead of expecting anything or even just getting annoyed, I LAUGH OUT
LOUD. People around me always give me strange looks, but I’m never bothered.
I’ll just keep reading or singing or whatever it is I was doing. It seems so
normal to me.
But not everyday is a mountaintop experience. Most times,
like yesterday, I felt dry, thirsty and panting. I just didn’t feel Him, but He
made sure I remembered that His presence is not a feeling. And that He was
there. Occasionally He does that, and although I can’t say I like it, He seems
to want to train me that way. After all, He’s kept saying It’s near… the times
of plenty is now, but soon, anything can happen. And we won’t be sitting pretty
that’s for sure.
I guess this entry will make it out to the open for the
public to view. I’ve tried many many times to blog, but every entry starts with
an idea, but somehow the expression is not what I imagined it to be. J
This one however, will succeed. I think. Cheerios!