God’s Looking Glass

before i try to think over the three weeks that i was away from Malaysia and write about the fresher memories, of which i had nearly decided against.

it was called by others S.W.E.E.P., short for Social Works Exposure and Embracement Programme. i however, called it the Painful Exploration of God’s Heart (no fancy acronyms, sorry!). and as both its names imply, it had to do with social works, and it had to do with God’s heart.

the day i arrived i was already two days late. the day i arrived from the Euro holiday, i was told that there was a hands-on programme that would last the whole day and night so it was best that i should come the next day. that was Day Three.

i didn’t want to come. i just needed to be by myself. after all, i have had enough socializing in Europe and pretending i was having the time of my life, so now i just needed a break. but since i had already paid and sent the form to my tutor, there were no excuses. however, i thought, no one can make me enjoy it or even participate fully. that, i was sure, could comfort me through the long two weeks.

i arrived with the whole hall in a bustle of activity. breakfast was just over, and i could see that everyone seemed so comfy with each other. O God, i thought, how will i fit in? or will you just keep me to myself? David had greeted me from outside, and he brought me in. "shea Li," he said, beckoning a sweet but puzzled lady from the kitchen, "this is Genevieve. would you show her your room?" so that was our introduction. how simple. and distant. i felt like i was just introduced to a patient which i would tend to for 15 minutes and she would lapse into the oblivion, another face to forget.

i forgot, yet again, how God loves to work in jokes. twisting circumstances so i’ll never know what to expect.

so here i was, listening to talks and going about activities, when somehow (strangely i didnt’ think about this until after the whole camp), but i began enjoying myself, and the company i was with. the no-worries-we’re-in-this-thing-together group, which i will remember for life, whether or not we would be in close contact always.

i think the second day i was there i was just talking and smiling as usual, when one of the staff just came up to me. after a few casual comments and superficial conversation, she looked at me and asked what is my story? i was like, excuse me? and she looked at me gravely and said, you have such sad eyes. shocked, i asked which story did she want to hear. i have many, i added. i laughed, the most fake laugh to cover my embarassment that someone had found me out. she said any, with a little smile to oblige my laugh.

so i poured out my story, and my painful current troubles. it was relieving, yet it was also hurting. when it was more or less out on the table, Lian Chui announced it was lights out, somewhere in the background. so we wrapped our counselling session for that evening. it was strange that someone saw right through me. right through me.

we never had another "session", but at the end she approached me. she gave me a name, Wounded Healer, and told me that although it’s my destiny to heal, i don’t have to start now. that i could lick my wounds for now, until i’m stable enough to help others. what a lot of wisdom that lady had. i’m glad we talked.

we get three hours for free time, so the first afternoon i used it for napping. or so i intended. i lay there, at the bottom bunk of our double decker bed, with my roommate above me. then we started talking… and talking… and then it was two whole hours and we slept for 30 mins only!a few days later we did the same thing, and just connected. it was so fast yet so secure. we confided in each other with such trust that could only be divine. it was pure amazing. thanks roommate for those great nights, and wonderful look into each other’s lives. it was memorable, and i’ll say it again, i’m honoured.

things started making sense. about my life, my career, my ministry. about people in my life, how i relate to them and the way they are. parts of what i learnt in psychiatry, paeds and behavioural science all come into play, consolidating into a meaningful prose.

so apart from the social works, what knowledge did i gain about myself? that in order to understand others, i must first be willing to open up and let others understand me. that broken people need each other, and together we can heal our wounds and heal others. that crazy people that get together can do wild things. that i’ll miss the SWEEP people, which is regrettable, since getting together would be close to impossible. (then again, God has His ways, right…)

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