Bibere venenum in auro - Drink poison from a cup of gold
This is one post i’ve been struggling with. It seems like a Molotov Cocktail of emotions waiting to explode in all directions, and may prove to assault more than intended, as it is most of the cases.
Depending on the times, different emotions dominate my perception on this vacation. Expectations, being my first holiday abroad, the company i was with, and miscellanous things i would probably discuss should i remember them.
I recall looking out the plane window in child-like expectation. All the great classical plays came to mind, and all i could remember from pictures in fairy tale books. Even the clouds look magical, i thought, almost in ecstasy. Obviously with my head in the clouds, reality would bring me down to earth in a manner most unpleasant.
Altogether meaningful, yet morbid and solemn, my journal entries were filled with the many voices of my heart. It was a trying time, and unfortunately it had coincided with my vacation. Being at such a season, what i really craved for was alone time, and just to be away with myself. Scenery and delightful rides and people surrounded me, yet i could not savour it as much as i would have at better times. So altogether, it would have been a wonderful trip, would it have been under different circumstances.
I can’t comment in detail since most of my feelings jotted in my journal are much to painful to let out, and no one is really interested in my general comments, since it’s just not Me… 
so take it from me, those places are lovely. Just really think of where you are going and where you are headed. they make a lot of difference.
S.W.E.E.P
it’s so interesting what i learnt. all these years, i’ve worked in social welfare homes, be it NGOs or Government runned homes. but i never thought of it in a social worker’s point of view. the closest was probably Jaci, from Birthright. she told me more or less how it was like, and interestingly enough, i thought it was a cool job to have. after i left the home, i didn’t think twice about it.
until confronted with the idea of SWEEP that is. 12 people came together, not knowing what in the world is in store of them, like naive little sheep guided by indifferent shepherds. to the slaughterhouse, or to the pasture, who’s to know?
thankfully, the shepherds were humane (or at least that is what they made us think), and so preserved our lives. but in doing so, (speaking for myself. for others, i pray they saw the same light, and in the event they differ from trains of thought, they may comment and i would hence alter the entry) a part of our lives broke through and also a part of our lives went silently dead. thus, throughout the programme, weeping was heard. of the loss, the grief that our hearts shattered into bits and pieces because it was so conformed to fitting the big M-E.
our days were summarized into single words. mine was as follows:
wind
resolution
sense
quality
timing
release
excitement
free
purpose
help
open
Him
focus
confirmation
doubt it would make sense to you. but it does to me. every word represents an altar i’ve laid. a sacrifice, a revelation, a prayer. and everyday something new is birthed.
(technically i’ve not seen as much as the rest since i came late but…) we’ve seen the poor and homeless, the sex workers and drug addicts. made friends with HIV positive people. the transvestites and the homosexuals. we’ve been blinded for half a day, and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. we tried learning new things with a mentally challenged friend for a partner, and at times it was frustrating (although my friend was totally cool, we can totally hang with him. he’s an artist too!). we met the very criminals i loathed, the youth seemingly without a heart, and learnt they were just too playful and too naughty. not that they were evil, but that things just got out of hand. each activity, each talk was a lesson learnt, and what a lesson did we learn.
so ok, i’ve been rambling on about the SWEEP programme for two entries now. so here i end. just wanted you to not only know how i was feeling and certain pick up moments throughout the course, but also what exactly we went through.
thanks for the FES fellas that helped (all you folks, even those who came with our Chap Fun Dinners, and our Blind Guides - esp Chia Hui! :P), and the Shelter People and the children and youth… it was some programme. thank you. also for the Pioneer batch of SWEEP! you guys rock! (pseudo gymnast pose… lights out… end.)
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before i try to think over the three weeks that i was away from Malaysia and write about the fresher memories, of which i had nearly decided against.
it was called by others S.W.E.E.P., short for Social Works Exposure and Embracement Programme. i however, called it the Painful Exploration of God’s Heart (no fancy acronyms, sorry!). and as both its names imply, it had to do with social works, and it had to do with God’s heart.
the day i arrived i was already two days late. the day i arrived from the Euro holiday, i was told that there was a hands-on programme that would last the whole day and night so it was best that i should come the next day. that was Day Three.
i didn’t want to come. i just needed to be by myself. after all, i have had enough socializing in Europe and pretending i was having the time of my life, so now i just needed a break. but since i had already paid and sent the form to my tutor, there were no excuses. however, i thought, no one can make me enjoy it or even participate fully. that, i was sure, could comfort me through the long two weeks.
i arrived with the whole hall in a bustle of activity. breakfast was just over, and i could see that everyone seemed so comfy with each other. O God, i thought, how will i fit in? or will you just keep me to myself? David had greeted me from outside, and he brought me in. "shea Li," he said, beckoning a sweet but puzzled lady from the kitchen, "this is Genevieve. would you show her your room?" so that was our introduction. how simple. and distant. i felt like i was just introduced to a patient which i would tend to for 15 minutes and she would lapse into the oblivion, another face to forget.
i forgot, yet again, how God loves to work in jokes. twisting circumstances so i’ll never know what to expect.
so here i was, listening to talks and going about activities, when somehow (strangely i didnt’ think about this until after the whole camp), but i began enjoying myself, and the company i was with. the no-worries-we’re-in-this-thing-together group, which i will remember for life, whether or not we would be in close contact always.
i think the second day i was there i was just talking and smiling as usual, when one of the staff just came up to me. after a few casual comments and superficial conversation, she looked at me and asked what is my story? i was like, excuse me? and she looked at me gravely and said, you have such sad eyes. shocked, i asked which story did she want to hear. i have many, i added. i laughed, the most fake laugh to cover my embarassment that someone had found me out. she said any, with a little smile to oblige my laugh.
so i poured out my story, and my painful current troubles. it was relieving, yet it was also hurting. when it was more or less out on the table, Lian Chui announced it was lights out, somewhere in the background. so we wrapped our counselling session for that evening. it was strange that someone saw right through me. right through me.
we never had another "session", but at the end she approached me. she gave me a name, Wounded Healer, and told me that although it’s my destiny to heal, i don’t have to start now. that i could lick my wounds for now, until i’m stable enough to help others. what a lot of wisdom that lady had. i’m glad we talked.
we get three hours for free time, so the first afternoon i used it for napping. or so i intended. i lay there, at the bottom bunk of our double decker bed, with my roommate above me. then we started talking… and talking… and then it was two whole hours and we slept for 30 mins only!a few days later we did the same thing, and just connected. it was so fast yet so secure. we confided in each other with such trust that could only be divine. it was pure amazing. thanks roommate for those great nights, and wonderful look into each other’s lives. it was memorable, and i’ll say it again, i’m honoured.
things started making sense. about my life, my career, my ministry. about people in my life, how i relate to them and the way they are. parts of what i learnt in psychiatry, paeds and behavioural science all come into play, consolidating into a meaningful prose.
so apart from the social works, what knowledge did i gain about myself? that in order to understand others, i must first be willing to open up and let others understand me. that broken people need each other, and together we can heal our wounds and heal others. that crazy people that get together can do wild things. that i’ll miss the SWEEP people, which is regrettable, since getting together would be close to impossible. (then again, God has His ways, right…)
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