The Garden Needed Tending.
after what seemed like an eternity i finally found the motivation and inspiration to write out another entry. drums banging through the speakers imitating palpitations, and reading countless blogs all at one go, i realise there is much to say that has not been said.
there was this portion of Scripture i read recently that now hangs in front of my study desk as a constant reminder of His grace. it reads
"and it shall come to pass like as i have watched over them, to pluck up, and to break down, and to throw down, and to desroy and to afflict; so will i watch over them to build, and to plant, saith the Lord."
totally whipped me off my feet reading that. we always portray God as this kindly old granddad who willingly accepts all our misbehaviour and will open his arms out for us, the moment we turn back.
but we seem to easily forget the nature of our God: holiness. He loves us of course, but He hates the sin in us, and most often, the sin that we cling on to so much.
and well, that really hit me.
after all that i’ve done…
"… to pluck up, and to break down, and to throw down, and to destroy, and to afflict…"
so that was what He did: a lot of "gardening" in my life, taking things that didn’t belong there out, and of course it did hurt - the pride, the emotions, crucifying the flesh - but He needed to do that, so He could come close, and embrace me.
but that was not the end of the story.
"…so will i watch over them to build, and to plant, saith the Lord." Jeremiah 31:28
so now i’m all laid bare, vulnerable and useless, this is the part we all love to hear… He came to salvage. cleared the rubbish, and start afresh. just like the potter story. not only will He build up, He will plant, so that a new season can yield good fruit.
many people who hear my story are often depressed and feel guilty that their life seems so smooth compared to mine. people slap me on the back saying, "gene, you’re so brave. am so proud of you." but, what they don’t know, is the amount of work i had to go through before i can now stand and testify. the amount of stress, heartache, hurt and unbearable pain. but was all for His good and He DID GOOD!
you know, my blog was never meant for preaching. i know you all know me as a Christian, but never as one to stuff the Gospel down your throats. but you have to agree that you can see that in me, not for my strengths, but my weaknesses. the very fact i am who i am, is only through grace.
and the only reason this is so is only because of all He has done, after all i have done. that He loves me more than anything, and that is why He redeemed me from my own sin. and if you think it hurts to be with God, yea it does, but it hurts WAY more for Him.
i guess why i’m saying this is the revelation of the whole event. i went for a service one night, and as i was just worshipping, i felt like this whole chapter was done. and complete. and i got to go to a new level… like i’ve won this battle and now the next challenge would come, and we’ll see how far we can go this time.
after all, life is all about challenges. challenges to refine and perfect, until Christ comes again. so live life like it’s a challenge. then you will see how wonderful grace is.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)taking a break during the break.
it’s seems like time has not lapsed. and yet it has long disappeared… finishing the last bits of "Seizures", and yet i feel exam is long time in coming. reality though, is that exam is in three weeks. and time waits for no man.
in as much i want to leave my stress-related problems aside and retreat into the deepest recesses of our lush rainforest jungles, i realise i have to be responsible. i chose this career path after all. should i just walk away, seeing that i have encountered a little difficulty? of course not.
i guess what i feel now, is the feeling of being nearly there, though not quite. my first professional exam around the corner, yet how much do i know, and is adequate to save lives, or will i watch life slip away because of my poverty of knowledge and ignorance of important issues?
time will tell. it will because i’ll see it in my results.
having said all that, i’ve begun to see a pattern. academically, i’m too lazy to excel. so all the last minute studying can’t thrust me far enough for a High Distinction, or even a Distinction at times. i know i can do better, but that is not the point. however, i’ve committed the past few exams into His hands, and drastic changes happen. slowly, marks get better and i improve. it’s can’t be me, since i feel too unnatural to be just me. something divine. definitely…
so then this first professional exam can only show one thing: God’s grace and His Divine Favour. therefore, i boast of my weakness, that i suck at studying, but Him in me, i can do all things. 
that alone is a boost for more studying! ciao!
down syndrome.
when everything seems down. no no no, not having an emotional crisis. just wondering why, when shit falls, it is always diarrhoea.
trouble with the phone, trouble with a friend, trouble here trouble there. and when does this all happen? at the crucial point of my medical student career. when i sit for my first professional exam. i can’t for the life of me, figure out why the season is just full of mind challenging battles. and none have a straightforward answer. the scarier part is that i probably have a higher chance of getting good grades in my exams than to pass through all these "rainy days". sigh…
when life throws you lemons, you dodge! they bruise, you know!
all i really want is for all this to come one at a time. sure, wanna give me hell? why don’t we schedule an appointment? let’s say, two months from now… see, then things get an even distribution throughout the year. makes so much more sense that way. why clump it all together? poor psychiatrists have such a hard time deciding which problem triggered what neurosis (and sometimes, psychosis too) as it is, all in one bang. imagine how simple life would be when everything had its own time and space…
having said that of course, i realise that i would not for all the money in the world, want to face problem days without any rest in between. it is probably just what i am feeling now and hence, conveying to you. sigh…
Uncategorized | Comments (2)pick up and move on.
there are many reasons people pick up and move on.
a friend had a long emotional roller coster after nearly getting married and finally everything was cancelled. it takes all you have inside to just pick up and move on.
someone lost their parents. he made it thru form 6 and all the way into clinical school where he is doin so well. just pick up and move on.
i made a big mistake, and altho the consequences of that mistake was enormous and the responsibilities after burdening at times, i just have to pick up and move on. and now i am in medical school with a wonderful daughter and family, and great friends to help me.
so many people get up and move on. but when you stop moving, then u become stagnant. my good friend Ps. Sam once said (i think he quoted someone tho…) "everything changes, even change itself." of course, God is out of this scope… having said that, how ay people actually want change and how many people can adapt to other people changing?
some people lead such pent up lives. they hold on to every bit of the "old" in hopes that things won’t change. unfortunately that just won’t do. no matter how wonderful the chocolate cheese cake is, the longer you hold on to it, the more rotten it becomes… just pick up and move on.
things change for a reason. when things have hit rock bottom, you can only go up. even if things were wonderful, how long will that last till it gets boring or worse, gets rotten?
change is inevitable. change is never always good yet good eventually comes out from change. try it, you’ll see!
no mixed feelings?
Every end of the year, after the Christmas mood has peaked and plateaued, i suddenly find myself in part-remorse-part-embracing mode, where i’m not sure how to react and adapt to a new year. if u don’t know me by now, i am an emotionally driven person. so although christmas is the best tie of the year for me, i dread the after-Christmas feeling of miserably clutching to the old while trying to be brave for the future.
so what’s the big deal you may think, as most people generally feel that way? well i realize a measure by which u see growth, is the way you adapt and improve. so for a long while now i realize, i did not grow. i vaguely recall the four characters in "who moved my cheese?" and how they lived their lives in comfort when they had this huge supply of cheese, and when suddenly the cheese was not to be found at the regular spot, the characters handled it in various ways. but not all handled well.
in retrospect, there were many days i would wake up and wonder, where has all my comfort gone? why do i live in such misery (some days), and why are not my days just like it was before. but it had all been for good.
it was also a year of divine favour. things miraculously fell into place, and favour like dripping honey from all aspects and mostly unexpected. wow…
no mixed feelings. in fact, i entered the new year with surety. things will be better and greater. and change is not always for good, but good always comes from change.