Putting on the sackcloth.
my dear friend Charles, has passed away this morning.
frankly, i can’t cry. the wells that hold my tears are void of the one release of this overwhelming emotion within me.
it’s not that we’re bestest friends, but i know him. i knew him. and though it seems we never were close, i felt we were.
lighting up a smile on my face, calling me Akka, comparing our heights… those are the things, OURS, that i would cherish.
a million questions, not a glimpse of the answer.
could i have made a difference? if i had but tarried a little while… maybe i should spend time off my studies, and more with him. would things have been different? what good is an Akka if something like this happened?
and in the back of my mind, Lee Josh…
**Help me understand cos i dun see the picture
why are we in the heat of all of this?
the guilt and grief, the potent torture
deep inside i feel something amiss…
carry me further, so i feel not this pain
of knowing i could be in the wrong
burden n sorrow, they drive me insane
Lord is he where he really belongs?
should he really lie stiff there
or should we expect something new
so suddenly You take- no when or where
help us to adjust and commit to You.
carry us in Your wings i pray, and teach us that somehow, You meant it for good. i trust fully in You.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)a short detour.
some how along life’s great journey, there comes a time to just stop - take a long walk, down the countryside and sniff the marigolds. a time of relaxing and basking. just to wander the depth and breadth of one’s own mind. and to enjoy His presence. today is one of those God-given days.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)new life!
a butterfly, a sprout, a single mom-med student… all undergo necessary lifestyle changes. we get regenerated. release the old, proclaim the new, possess the future. that is the theme for my church this year. somehow, those words just remained at that. words. words i heard so many times, words that had a nice ring to it, sounded so cool to say. words that had no meaning to my mind. cos my heart hadn’t received it.
release the old. sentiments, memories, even regrets and grudges. there are so many things we hid deep inside, which make us us. we become bitter, from past experiences, or from learning from our role models. so it is with every other character that shapes us. letting it go means letting parts of ourselves go. it means we have to change. we can’t be the bitter person we used to be. but it’s hard to undo something that’s long been second nature to self. so that’s why it is heard but never heeded.
proclaim the new. the uncertain future has so much to offer, yet the unknown scares me. had i known where i would go and when, would that really change things? no. to proclaim wat He has spoken to me about my future, takes all the faith i can muster. i know He said that with all He has planned for me, my future and present, He will confirm with signs and wonders. then i have no way other than to believe and proclaim. to cleave myself from my own plans, and my own thoughts. to change my mindset and response, to lay it at His feet and say Your will be done. then to make it known, to PROCLAIM. it’s a big thing, you know. when u think about it, then it’s not much, but when it sinks deep into your soul, wow. wat a load to offer up. can i, would i?
possess the future. God keeps sending people to tell me, "gene, God has great plans for you. new future and new beginning. God is gonna use you for something great…" it’s like someone lands you a multinational company. u own it. but unless you walk into the office and sit in that big chair, you can’t get your direction or vision into that company. you can’t make it yours. n it’s all good and dandy to say, "i claim it, i’m making it mine." but talk is cheap. if i am gonna possess my future, i gotta start making it happen. work as if the things revealed have already taken place. as if i am all He’s promised i would be. not easy, but it’s gotta happen.
it is amazing; like a breath of fresh air, just a moment of it is never enough. it’s a constant process, to feel fresh and healthy and to calm oneself. so it is with Him. i need that breath of fresh air perpetually. and i depend on it, to become all that i described up there. but it is all so worth it.
i’m not sure if my ramblings have rendered me senile, but to the people who were with me for the leaders’ retreat just this weekend, i know we can tally. more details will come, but this is the ori. the real thing, before sleep sobers me up.
that’s it for now. ciao!
Uncategorized | Comment (1)the mind speaks.
more than a diary of events come and gone, i intend this blog to publish my thoughts, dreams and all inside. so this entry would do just that.
i always wonder how come memories come in peculiar timings, how there’s always a season of eventful days. today i had just come home from a trip to Singapore (spontaneous i assure you), and today at 532 a.m. my great uncle Abraham passed away at 87 years of age, of respiratory failure due to pneumonia. i don’t know all the details. and i don’t want to. not now anyways.
this weekend seems to be the favourite end of the year wedding date. the amount of weddings my mom and dad has to witness make them look like top class socialites every night, with a new suit or gown, and different sets of accessories.
so, putting them all together we have a weekend of four weddings and a funeral.
now where am i heading with all this, you may wonder. well in a moment, if you’re patient, we’ll all find out together.
is it possible to be happy one moment and rejoice, then to weep and embrace the bereaved? if that’s possible then we must be such compartmentalized beings, that adapt to anything, but does that also mean we lack soul? the part of us that feels and hears and sees the immaterial. the part that makes us human, and neither animal nor robot. should we boast of such an ability?
… a time to be silent and a time to speak…
to be happy for someone need not have many words and lots to say, neither in mourning should we lament loudly. simply because, these times in particular, we just need to reflect inside.
i’m a talker myself and sometimes, it’s difficult to keep quiet. 
ask anyone. but in these months, i’ve learnt to keep a tab on all i say. and that’s imperative. let my yes be yes, and my no, no. so in tune with this "season of memories", what do i do? keep silent. neither lament, nor drown others with the sound of happiness. it’s best that way, i think.
what say you?
Uncategorized | Comment (0)it’s a gurl thang. :)
my fave ps friend is finally getting married! although i wasn’t the first few to find out, i was nonetheless thrilled seeing as God is super faithful in all our lives, and this was one of the "Greater Things" we keep praying about. so this chick (she’s a babe, really!), adeline, well she’s new in our church, and after meeting her twice, i decided, this gurl needs to belong. after all, she’s gonna be family! she’ll need a niche she can hang onto, when bored or celebrating or even sad. so seizing the opportunity, we (deb, the bridesmaid and i) called for a bachelorette’s party.
and as always, we gurls like food (although we don’t all eat that much… :p) so we had it potbless style. you know the kind, everyone’s ticket in was a dish of something. and when moms are invited, you know it’ll be good.
roast chicken, chicken casserole, gourmet sandwiches, garlic bread, lady’s fingers with sambal, fried rice, singapore noodles, the table was full of food! and it was soooo gooood! chit chat… pass the lady’s fingers… yakkity yak… who made the casserole? yummy… giggle giggle… it was fantabulous!
beep beep… one message received. there was an sms about a prayer request. so everyone decided it’s best to pray. and we did. when we finished it was like a glass of cool water, whetting our appetite for more. but first things first: EAT!
after clearing the table, we had an activity: more chit chat! eheheh… but this was a little more structured. prior to the meeting we each were to bring an item that best describes ourselves. so now it was show and tell. we were to talk about the item and ourselves, then we had to each mention something about adeline, and no repeats. it was a great challenge but fun, cos she was new, and we had to really pick our brains to think of something she said during our conversations. oh and while all these were happening, ice cream with oreos and marshmallows were being served, with coffee… and two trays of ravishing cheese tarts. wow… *mouth watering
after that, the moms took turns to pray and we all agreed in prayer. the bash was wonderful and ended with powerful blessings in store for ade.
after all that, we packed food for sam, who was waiting for it, and we continued our chit chats until one by one, each decided it was time for home. so hugs, kisses and "c ya!"s later, and we all were home.
here’s to adeline, a definitely precious find, both for sam and for all of us. a wonderful friendship lies ahead and i’m privileged to be part of it. HUGZ!!!!!
ps: GARDEN WEDDING… fantastic!!
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