irony

how is it, that a person of mixed heritage (referring to me, and others who suffer my fate, not necessarily pertaining to all the products of mixed heritage. need to put these disclaimers in once in awhile) who should have the resources of dual languages in the least at disposal, can still remain clueless to the languages, that were supposed to be part of me…

and how is it, that a person of my attitude, with the slackerness (i know i know, am supposed to elaborate on that… next time k? i seem to procastinate a lot…) ends up in the vicious world of medicine school life? after all, i hate studying and like the easy life… so of all the courses, i chose a long and competitive, not to mention, physically and mentally straining course.

what is there then, in life, that makes us take paths we would never foresee ourselves taking? is it just irony? fate? or something way more, out of reach from the human mind? don’t get me wrong. i’m not in doubt, fear or insecurity. but i wonder, had i not known Jesus, the Author and Perfecter of my faith, what would i owe my existence to? in a sense, i’m trying to find out, what other people are looking at, and if i were in their shoes, would i attribute the same way?

i guess had i not had Jesus, i would have other coping mechanisms. but since i knew Him at such a young age, it’s difficult to imagine my life otherwise. so, upon much reflection and observation on my part, i suppose i would not have religion whatsoever. i would probably rely on Me, Myself and I. atheist if u will, or self worshipper… a self made woman.

how then, given my circumstances, given the position i’m in today, how is it i would cope, much less survive? or, would i at all? i suppose it would be an All or Nothing Rule to apply. either i survive and recover fully with no scratches, or not at all… which boils back to the age-old question, what then is the purpose for living, had i no God to believe in, and only myself to provide answers?

truth be told, i have no clue. i’m sure, though, my ramblings would strike a nerve somewhere. perhaps, it annoys people to question my faith in public. however, it isn’t a question we ought to hide in the deepest recesses of our souls. the very fact that i’m bringing it up is to only emphasize my faith. is there any answer which i believe, except what i’ve practised all my life? undoubtedly not. yet, i must ensure that it is so, from time to time, lest there be webs of doubt spinning, only to be discovered when too late.

perhaps, it sparked a light somewhere in your own soul. gene, watever seemingly incoherent talk u wrote actually makes sense. i probably asked myself that before. if that’s u, u better do some soul searching. always worth the find.

or perhaps, u think i’ve spent more than my share with loonies, inside the wards and clinics, and out. well perhaps you’re right. after all, this "revelation" had only come to me now, after six weeks with Ketua Negaras and I-hear-the-devil-speaking-to-me type people. could the inspiration be, from those paranoid with the end of the world, or depressive people sure that life has no meaning, or even the religiously preoccupied? (they scare me. sometimes i wonder, if they’re so fervent, could we, the "normal" people, be the skeptics?)

after all the hard core words, questions left in mid air, and comments to stir the soul, i leave you. (actually it’s cos i wanna sleep. it’s getting late, and i have a feeling i gotta wake up with the two ladies for sahur!)

ciaoz amigoes…

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