http://newlifewithvan.blogspot.com
no no no, am not running off to another blog site, rather am expanding… (as promised!). decided i wanna share my life with my daughter to everyone who would be interested. she’s an amazing blessing, so what’s not to share?
feel free to check it out k? it’s http://newlifewithvan.blogspot.com
muaks
gene.
socially withdrawn?
antisocial. we use the word all too frequently, and for what purpose? the reclusive friend, the quiet among us. i, being a socialite, now realise, i’m different. i’m so not the person i used to be. once upon a time i swore my life was all bout goin out and chilling till the sun comes up again. so wat is different now?
has age finally caught up with me? or have i learnt to finally let the days slip by, enjoying each moment as it were: few dew drops sparkling on delicate flowers, a gentle breeze. now before u think i’ve officially turned to mush, or worse, that i’ve decided to join my cyber friend (refer to previous posting) in plagiarism, note that 1) i have no functional or structural abnormality in my brain, 2) i have no pleasure of cutting and pasting text except with case summaries and reports, and finally, i have probably turned to mush. so now that i do not quite make sense, let me explain (and further confuse you).
i lead a tough life. running around doing things that i know are essentially for my life in uni (u know, character building stuff), having a life waiting for me at home in PJ… in short, i’m not your typical student, neither am i your average mom. yet, i find solace in God, family and friends. sometimes i burn out. sometimes i cry. sometimes in frustration, i do things or say things, just like anyone else. and sometimes, i just want to be alone.
unlike normal people, i have so much on my mind. and to think with the personality and lifestyle that i have, is pretty stressful. i cope by writing and singing, and praying. and all that requires time alone. time away from all and time with just me. in the quiet, sometimes i do nothing. sometimes i catch up with what i’ve been neglecting. but sometimes, i let all my thoughts out.
i have so much in my head that no one could possibly know. of course, everyone has secrets, but when there are overwhelming events in your life, your thoughts, focus and memories tend to be overwhelming too. that is why the troubled person can’t hide his troubled face. just too much you know.
i probably have good acting skills. so somehow, people think they see through me, but eventually only see a fraction of me, or a fraction of what i want them to see.
i dun really know what this blog is about, but i feel sometimes i lose myself to my business (as in busy-ness). and i find myself, lost, confused and all i need is to be alone. not support groups although my posse is fantastic. just with Jesus and me.
i guess the real reason has surfaced. to let you know that even though i know you all care, sometimes when i need to be alone, there is a reason, not unlike me. so chill, hang in there. i’ll blow off and be back to who i am…
feel like writing poetry… maybe i will. later. and dev, it’s all real! 
hypocrisy and gene.
i’ve had a lifetime experience of dealing with people, twenty three years to be exact. 
but in all, there is a powerful lesson i keep encountering, and painfully learning. that trust is something too precious to give, and that friends aren’t friends if they’re hypocrites.
online friends? well i have a higher threshold of bullshit, but when matters that highly interest me are fake, then no matter how u come up with excuses, how righteous your excuses are, it’s unredeemable.
i’ve had "original poetry" written in excellent english by a person who somehow forgot how to converse in adequate english spontaneously (mayb all the energy and concentration went into the poem that somehow when it came to free speech, he tired out his command of english). coincidentally, the poem was also composed by another author found on the net millions of miles away, with the exact same words, lines and even title. wow! talk about psychic!
people who miraculously survived a childhood full of rotten memories with no support or financial backings, suddenly spotted by a talent scout, into a glamourous world, and now all his humble heart desires, is but a mere, simpleton’s love. amazing, how i attract the rich and famous only online!
friends whom i know, and work with are no different. face to face, they have such esteeming qualities, and overflow with wisdom and holiness. but, beneath the facade, lies the shrewd, egocentric, holier-than-thou personality, which by coincidence only emerge when threats reveal the inner side? so what if our best interest requires a bit of sacrifice for the greater good? apparently, that’s not as important as "heeding his advice". so now, all will suffer, and the sacrificial yield has doubled just to show the world just who’s boss.
so this may all seem like ramblings of a medical student gone mad in psychiatry, but since a blog is to journal it all out, and for u to have a legal peek, this is it. i can’t really elaborate further lest i receive more than my share of evil glances and more than an occasional stone thrown at me. but if indeed this intrigues you so much it probes at the back of your mind and you can’t seem to fall asleep, then let me take your history, and i’ll diagnose you with a perfectly decent psychiatric illness. and if u’re a good boy/girl, i might let you in on the full story, gory details and all.
till then, be good!
muaks
gene.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)flowers and what nots, inspired by the Gardener :P
flowers grow irrationally, sporadicaly, spontaneously
feelings flow abundantly, graciously, beautifully
when they bloom, will they at once be one to wither?
if at all, will i be the same thither?
let things come, let them happen
go through hell and go through heaven
till at last all emotions are calm
and all plans and dreams are safe in God’s palm.
Uncategorized | Comment (1)bbqs N reports
it’s been a long long day. had class despite my lack of concentration, miraculously the lecturer didn’t catch on to me. then it was a rush to McD’s to do report, and within fifteen minutes we were done. but as i sit in front of the comp, i realise we missed some super important data that now i can’t complete my thematic report. sigh…
reading diagnostic criteria of mental illnesses somehow gives more doubt about my sanity.i seem to see a bit of the criteria in me. every mental illness may be linked to me. oh gosh…
bbq nite, well it was a bbq of laughter. didn’t eat much but had fun… was able to take pics with the chicks n guys… n dato… haha memories…
psyche and faith…
it’s only been a week in psychiatry and interestingly, everyday i’m in the ward or clinics, i feel as if i’ve never been more stimulated to learn. i felt that bout all postings really, but this the most!
schizophrenics and manics are the most common patients warded, however it inaccurately reflects the scope of illnesses we have to cover. we entered the female ward on friday, to experience just how different it was from the male. essentially, it’s the same. just that here, they usually are milder.
i spoke to this lady, who’s only 28, admitted for strangling her elder sister. she told me voices told her to do it.
as a christian that bugged me. here i am, living in a life of freedom. anything troubling me, and i take it to my God in prayer. and i live thru it, with Him guiding me. struggles come but they also go. i never had a fear, where He did not help me deal with.
now, as a professional, i meet so many souls, laden with baggage of past, present and future. each face, blunted in appearance, covers a sad and disturbing past. i have peace where ever i go. and they might never have experienced that.
so many times i see them as oppressed individuals, and long to share wat i have in my life that can lift their eyes, and burdens, bringing them to greater meaning for their life. and many times i feel restrained, as now i am a professional and have a guideline to adhere to. that’s the sad part though. as i learn, i’m more excited to know ways i can help mankind. and yet, i find myself locked in ethics, that praying is the closest i can get to them spiritually.
i want to be able to incorporate prayer counselling, but then i’m not creating autonomy. i want to share my joy, my peace, but then, i cross religious boundaries. until they openly ask, i cannot give. how i long for open doors…
gene.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)