HELL HATH NO FURY!

as i type this, yet again, i’ve calmed down, and have reduced in emotions. but nonetheless i think this blog deserves a piece of my mind so that in future if anyone wants to plan the perfect suicide, this serves as a reference.

i don’t know what people in general really mean by a "slackers" attitude. but allow me to explore that phrase in detail. i do consider myself as one, so i would occasionally use myself and my experiences as examples.

(btw, with all this drama, i know at least i can prob make money from Adrian Mole fans… publish this into hard copy or something… )

is it just me i wonder? how is it that people can be so oblivious to the fact that they are nothing who they claim to be? that the mirror they use to self-reflect is distorted beyond recognition? how is it that people can literally throw out this hypocritical self image of theirs and think it holy? well i have news, that might be a little unpleasant for some. (do hold your stomachs, if it’s too much to handle!) I HATE HYPOCRITES!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gosh is it so difficult? so hard for people to understand that a little self insight and peer review might actually help? and it’s not just something psychiatric patients need. WE ALL NEED IT!

i have been trying to not make little offences matter, with regard to a certain someone in my group. (no no not my clique, this, to my dismay, is the grouping allocated for semester 7.) i try very hard, using most of my strength, (and usually God’s grace!!!) to not care, even when my frens have miscommunications with him. i discard all the petty stupid things just so that i won’t have to push myself over the cliff so i dun kill him.

but today, it has just reached the limit. to my horror, i did not anticipate having him as my group member in preparing seminars etc. i did not think it a problem however, so i resumed my daily life, not thinking too deeply about it.

then, when it finally came to tasking, since i wasn’t entirely on speaking terms with him, i decided to mouth up and let topics be delegated themselves. of course, being the ego centric and narcissistic person he is (did anyone test him for autism?), he gladly split the topics up. i didn’t care.

next seminar came rolling near, and i decided i want to pick topic. not such a difficult request, yes? so i msged him telling him the topic i wanted. couldn’t be that bad now, considering all topics were of equal value. no news. fine. i decided how to lay out my seminar and make it presentable for all.

just this morning i was making doubly sure so i asked a fello groupie, and to my horror, Mr. Autism-Most-Likely, had split the topics and i had to do another topic, which he implied was of heavier task. i confronted him via sms, since i know the fury which conjured within me would certainly vapourize him in a flash, and he said i was given a "relatively easy task" last time. wow… i didn’t swear, i didn’t curse, but the fumes coming from me definitely made M’sia three degrees higher!

i didn’t reply him wat i exactly thought, but boy oh boy, the things i wanted to say… instead, i delivered a cold sms and left it. minutes later, this came by "ok… God bless u.. take care.. try to talk to someone bout ur problem k?"

i wanted to fly back to seremban. i wanted to call my regular mafia contacts. i wanted to wring his bloody guts out. sigh… but i was controlled. not by might, nor by power… so i prayed. tried to only focus on my plea to God for help. i don’t want to care anymore. i don’t. i just want to live life away from all these hypocrites who give God a bad name. i’m so sick of seeing friends being offended by these people who have their names changed, but not their lives. i’m being judgemental, yes and critical too, but i seen it too many times, and i’m sick to the core. true i know i’m no saint. in fact, the very fact i’m still in Malaysia, says it. but i live as much a transparent life as i can simply because i know who i am, weaknesses and all. and i’m not ashamed of it. cos i know my Saviour is changing me. like this beautiful mirror, tainted, and then covered in spoldges of mud. that’s me… slowly, bit by bit, He takes the mud away, then when i see Him again, He removes the tint, and i’m the perfect mirror He intended me to be.

i’m not asking for everyone to be like me. just that they see things in this perspective. we’re not perfect. not any one of us. we’re fallible. why try to put on this holier than thou attitude that just pisses people off…? then u become a repellent not an attractant. is that wat your faith professes?

if ever u dare read this and have enquiries, just let me know. i’m in a deluded state now, but should be all clearer later. i promise i’ll try not to bite.

anyways, concerning the slackers thing, i’m sorry i got out of subject. but i assure you this was a juicier topic to write on…

wat’s the value of friendship, really?

does distance, in time and space, really make the heart grow fonder? or is it just empty space the brain needs clearing? maybe it’s my bipolar acting up, maybe just hormones… but i’m begining to feel exactly what i anticipated mentally but not emotionally, about a lot of people once highly regarded as dear friends.

so exactly, who are these people? and why do they own such a place in my heart? well, i guess since we grew up within each other, and mature alongside each other. since i thought we rubbed off on each other so much we become great influences in our lives. or so i thought.

it’s not that i had just started obssessing this thought though. it’s been a nagging pain that was screaming my attention ever since, well ever since,  Vanora. i wondered who really cared? who were the truer friends?

it’s when great milestones of their lives started drawing closer and even reached, and i, being away and uninformed, find out from people further off, well to say the least, i’m hurt.

maybe it is just me. certainly a normal person with normal lifestyles would not need Kleenexes so often, would they? or have friends just decided to move on, since they presume i can’t relate to them anymore. i am a mom, after all.

i guess wat i really wanna say is i miss those times, the awesome foursome, the three-O and so many other fantastic groups that were a part of my life. that’s all. anyways to all u people out there with great friendships, live it to the full. then if they disappear and u realise that "friends forever" might not be forever, you have no regrets.

and to all those who think this article applies to them, then i apologise for making this public. but there is probably no other way to truly get to you all. luv u guys.

need i be ashamed?

need i be ashamed anymore? need i hide, or run away? what if one day, i can’t run and i can’t hide, will i be able to cope then?

right from the start, i never wanted to evade ppl. i wanted to tell people what happened, right or wrong. yet, always my stumbling block would haf the final say. and tonight, i realise, it’s still not over. not even close. not even family? sigh…

i’m much too disturbed to write more.

one last one!

skies are cloudless yet it’s not sunny today

wonder if it’s the right time to play?

lazy to read, afraid to sleep

why on earth do i think this deep?

that was for fun lar… hehehe wanna blog more but no time…

cheerios peeps!

Flowers

blossoms scattered alightens my path

chirping baby bluebirds in the old birdbath

flowers, they grow to complement all

times and places, in spring or in fall.

just like those flowers so tender and frail

just like the petals with the wind do they sail

my heart feels beautiful, fresh and anew

when true love takes away all that is blue.

flowers, my dear, represent my theme

with no words at all, transparent they seem

let your heart free, hod open the door

to your loving true God, that’s who you’re made for.

Misconception

whatever i perceive to be

may not be the same as what the others see

everything in reality

differs from individual, and actuality.

how then can i explain your message?

could it be the result of my own?

i’m not psychic nor seer nor mage

so how do i transmit this feeling in my bone?

to my knowledge too much formalities harm

relationships that which only appear calm

yet i cannot, will not rock the boat and ask

to lighten the view of this, too big a task.

teach me please i pray, dear Sir

unburden me by releasing your thoughts

that i may soothe my depest fear

that i’m just a tomboy, whom u foolishly did court.

Agony

have i the longing of something

of which i’m forbidden?

the pressure building deep within my inner being

has left me emotionally burdened.

ambivalence; wanting and yet not

the criminal inside me lusts for a taste

no rest in me till satisfaction is sought

and gratification should be at once; make haste!

just an answer, no peekaboo i swear

for the insides would not be at peace

gently break the news of what is hidden there

so all these demon-torture would cease.

follow along my journey now

and see where we would go

should i befriend you? if yes, how?

take His lead; we the sheep doth follow.

pray for guidance that we might find the answer

pray for peace to calm the storm still

and miracles happen; indeed they occur

it will happen should it be my Father’s will.

the jungle queen has emerged…

i went hiking today, which was good considering i was in a muddle of thoughts. could have been contributed to hormones, missing vanora, or miscommunications which happened with friends. that lil breakaway just did it. was at the back of the hilux, thinking deeply. suddenly in a rush, i felt i need to channel it all into poetry. happier ones no doubt. yesterday i had a sudden flood of ideas so i wrote two poems, along a morbid theme. will put it up soon. but for now, this is it peeps!

SToMP.

exhilarating. in a word. but in emotions, it’s a burst of energy, hidden for ages, suddenly revelling in the sounds of ancient beats, in all too new ways. in many ways, i thank God my skepticism didn’t get the best of me.

after all, i’ve watched their dvd. i’ve seen there is, and in fact, we did a mini "stomp" performance a few years back, at a church anniversary. was splendid really. so the self-claimed pro in me wonders, why bother?

thanks to aMeLS, who should convincingly brought me to the light and practically forced me to come for it, i won’t ever forget this. it’s yet another moment we would cherish together.

wow. what can i say? i’m still flabbergasted by their impeccable timing, brilliant showmanship, and downright fun attitude, that i admire so deeply. it was to the point where at any moment, i would have just run down those few rows (six to be exact. just had to rub it in, for those who would go but sit farther away) and grab the lead fella. he reminds me so much of robbie williams, another entertainer i fondly adore.

well anyways, it was a beautiful finish to a not so beautiful day. and i have Jesus to thank for that. in case, you don’t know already i’m so in Luv with my Saviour. and i’m glad He’s bringing me this way. and i’m glad to intro Him to you some day. dunno why i just said that. but i guess you should know.

ok then gotta update the other blog, also get my guts ready for case presentation later. hopefully, with God’s help, i will do my best, and find favour with Dr. Selvi. hehe… miracles. they happen all too often.

cheerio!

back from a day in s’pore.

ok so it wasn’t for shopping or noble causes like saving the s’poreans, however, it was an important mission… to see my beloved elder bro, my two new nephews (twins!) and my aunt who is ill.

well meeting darren was a pretty rushed one, since we arrived late, and he had work at 2, however lunch with him was the same as always. vanora recognised him, but refused to be too friendly with him. the usual vanora i’m sure… anyway posting pics at her blogspot so feel free to visit.

been a long day so whilst waiting for a call and drying my hair, i’ll snooze some.

ciaoz peeps…