much to think about.

Christmas this year has mellowed down in glitz and tinsel. but much richness this season is from the pondering. why we do what we do.

i remember i looked forward to christmas for its tradition. The house scented with cookies, and decorated with the brilliant red and green. Pretty and neatly wrapped boxes arranged under the tree.

The whole family gets all excited as the day approaches. Ladies decked in Sunday’s best, and the men looking all smart and handsome. All are ready and waiting for Church service, but not before the traditional Christmas stew has been cooked for supper later tonight.

Church service is simple and sweet and usually to remind us what a glorious day Christmas is, and of course all can’t help but agree.

Then i find out, my relatives, my mother and my daughter will not be around for christmas. my initial reaction: BUMMER! what’s christmas without them? what do we do then? my dad suggested we go on a road trip, and i agreed.

but deep inside, that’s not what i want for christmas. deep inside, i’m a slave to tradition. i love the decoration, the dinner, the friends and family. i love the presents, giving and receiving. i miss the whole family being together.

sigh, it’s gonna be a different christmas for sure.

we’ll see how it goes…

Cutting up babies. how it all began.

a trip down memory lane, as suggested by a friend.

fresh into clinical school… like newly bought fish exploring her fish bowl… we were so eager to learn anything. and yet, it was difficult getting people to trust enough to do anything.

i was in my paediatric posting. did not really enjoy it, but still, since there was much to learn it was our passion that drove us to the special care nursery (SCN). when we arrived, we were greeted by our own Dean, Prof. Ramesh. he’s a Paediatric Surgeon, a gentle giant, with all respect.

he was staring at this two day old wee boy, who looked very ill. he had not been able to drink since birth. mommy breast fed him, the nurses cup-fed him, but he kept vomiting. and vomiting with such projection, it scared mommy.

projectile vomiting, he said, must send off the red alarm in your mind. there must be something blocking the passage of food, and that’s what sends the milk back out. the abdominal radiograph showed exactly that. three air bubbles, showing that there were bits of the intestines blocked. he needs surgery, Prof added.

surgery? i wondered. but he’s so young. yet i knew, that the only way this child is gonna survive, is with surgery. Prof mentioned he has put the case up for tomorrow morning. with wide eyed wonder, my friend and i asked if we may witness such an operation. sure, he replied with a smile.

the whole day, the whole scene kept playing, on and on at the back of my mind. i could not forget. and i had to be early.

the next day, i was as nervous as a parent. my friend and i came early, and we both waited patiently for Prof. when he came, he asked if we were ready to scrub in. scrub in? we had only done medical prior. we had never scrubbed in or even witnessed surgery, let alone assisted in one.

patiently he guided us through the steps. he said that he welcomes students to participate, because only then we would learn. wow… nervous yet excited, i scrubbed with my Prof. my friend assisted us in gowning and was the official photographer…

he made a wide incision and carefully separated the layers, each time explaining the anatomy. then he let me touch the organs i had only seen in books and imagined in my head. thrilled… i started asking questions, and looking at every part of that neonate’s body. he showed me the defect and explained what we were doing in that surgery… removing the long string of intestine which had not developed properly and joined the two healthy ends together. marvellous. i saw him handle oh so carefully, as he had sutured the ends together.

then we closed up the abdomen, and he allowed us to look at the specimen he removed. it was so unbelievable, yet it happened!

but what really made me want to become just like him, happened the next day. we visited the child post operation day 1, and i saw this remarkable thriving baby, hungrily gulping down milk, no more sick and weakly, but active and well.

it humbled me to think we take for granted the smallest things in life. and then i just felt i wanted to do this for the rest of my life. make them better. make them live the way they were meant to live.

and so, despite the ups and downs, the challenges i face and will face, i want to be a surgeon, a children’s surgeon.

it’s not all it’s made out to be.

Sometimes, it’s a great idea to step back, and look through all that has happened in your life, the whole sequence of events. and watch how His plan unfolded just perfectly, even when you thought there were glitches.

and sometimes, you will notice, that the very things you have asked for are not what they were made out to be.

i had, in my mind, laid out the exact blueprint, to the very last detail, to make sure i become all that i had in mind. that’s me, this I-want-to-be-in-control-of-everything person who is so stubbornly dificult.

so, in that context, God is very hard at work humbling me, and snatching the remote out of my would be self destructive hands.

i have been praying so long to stay, finally stay, in KL and serve here. i wanted to stay in paediatrics, at least till i was comfortable enough to deal with kids, so when am  a paediatric surgeon, things would be easier. then to slide over to paeds surgery, and work hard enough till i was eligible for masters of paeds surgery… then i’m done! homebound!

unfortunately i just couldn’t convince those who handled the applications, to keep me here… to them i was just an applicant. a recalcitrant, foolish applicant no less. yet, the power that my Father has was waaaaaaaay higher than anyone else, so He is Great! He turned it around that i got exactly that. to stay in KL.

i was so exhausted in Paeds, and i really dun like ward work so much… so my inner desire was to be rid of that. i didn’t know how, as there are no hospitals without ward rounds, so i never really emphasized it. well well well… He knows all doesn’t he? amazing. Landed me a job with daily rounds of 20 pts only. patients are usually stable. minimal paperwork, and PROCEDURES! albeit minimal at this point, yet the potential… of course, it can’t beat onco or scn, both of which i sorely miss, but i’m here to learn and study and be all the best i can…

it’s just crazy. i never thought i would end up here. i never thought i would be able to have time to myself and for Him. now i know all things really are possible.

if you ever think that things would end up in a slum, and that you would just have to settle for second best, think again. there is no substitute for the best, as i’m learning every day. His way is difficult, but oh so perfect. and i wouldn’t have it any other way…

Golden

i always think that being the golden man is the key to everything… you know, like in switchfoot’s song…

Switchfoot - Faust, Midas, And Myself Lyrics

This one’s about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
He put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off

He said, “I’ve seen you here before
I know your name.
You could have your pick
Of pretty things.
You could have it all
Everything at once.
Everything you’ve seen,
Everything you’ll need,
Everything you’ve ever had in fantasies.”

“You’ve one life,
You’ve one life.
You’ve one life left to lead.”

I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I’ve never seen
With golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don’t think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?

What direction?
What direction?
I’m splitting up!
I’m splitting up!
This is my personal disaffection

What direction? What direction?
What direction now?

I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
My golden eyes were dead
And a thought passed through my head
A heart that is made of gold can’t really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold

What direction?
Death or action!
Life begins at the intersection.

I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With her night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
And what was once routine was now the perfect joy

You’ve one life
You’ve one life
One life left to lead

but you know, He has His way in everything… in especially difficult circumstances. i have been so trodden by my unsure future, and i just wished everything was at my fingertips instead. but you know, at the eleventh hour, He came through. as He always does you know…

i haven’t been blogging in a while. but maybe i will start again soon. life floods my veins again… and my lungs have found my voice!

Being poured out.

I’ve been trained all my life to serve. To serve everyone in everything. How to be a good host, how to be a good daughter/sister/niece/cousin etc. To help out in everything.

Up till now, I have been doing just that. Sometimes, it involves personal sacrifice. Sometimes even my daughter has to learn to understand. But once in awhile, it’s nice to be appreciated.

It’s nice to belong, and be wanted. It’s nice to be invited to things not because it’s so obvious if I’m not invited, but because I may be of reasonable company. For once, it’s nice to be included in things, even if there is a chance I can’t make it.

So what if I have to work and there things going on during the weekday? Maybe all I want is just to know that I’m important enough to be asked.

So it hurts now. Because I am called to pour out and be there for others, but I have no one to come share with me and want me.

O Lord, you see all. Be thou my comfort.

SCREAM

sometimes, in these rare moments, i have time on my hands. then i decide to write. but nothing comes to mind.

in fact, there are a million things i’ve thought about this day. the many weddings and marriages blooming all over my network. new haircuts, real estate, our political wars, my future, my daughter.

it comes a time when i want what my friends have: a simple life doing a 9 to 5 job, 5 days a week. having a boyfriend of 5 years which predictably ends up in marriage. having normal hair with normal haircuts that satisfy me. going places and doing things that everyone else does.

but then i realize: i’m not them. i’m ME.

i’m the crazy one not satisfied when the scariest roller coster ride is too short. who wants to be the only dr in Malaysia with fluorescent green hair highlights. who has a daughter before all her peers and is proud of her. who can do a lot of things that other people only dream of doing. who trusts completely in her God, who had brought her thus far, with so many insane adventures along the way. it’s been a blast!

sometimes i feel there should be more to life than the norm that society has set for us. more often than not, we slink into our miserable portal and resume life as if it weren’t life, it were just surviving. sure, a lot of people i know are happy. but for how long? when it all fades, what is there left?

do something different, and make an impact on your own life. then when these mundaness takes a toll on you, you can turn around and say, “well i’ve done that before, so what’s stopping me now?”

it’s not about showing off and being different just for the sake of it, it’s about being you. the real you, undefined by societal laws… the one encrypted into your DNA. the one you have been so perfectly made.

i’m gonna scream out loud just because i can, and want to!

Wanted: 3 months vacation.

it just seems that at the end of every month this year, i get visibly older and feel energy slipping out of me like a leaking vessel…

but there always, almost like clockwork, comes a spark. something to say, keep it up, you’re getting there. this is not all in vain.

a smile, a hug or even a lunch… may not be with Prince Charming, may not have the prettiest teeth and may not smell the best. but man did they light my day up!

Thanks to the patients, who haven’t much to live for, especially since they know not our God. Thanks to fellow colleagues who recognise misery on my blank face… Thank God for smses…

Now for that vacation…

Making a ninety degree

you know the season when you can see the ribbon straight ahead, and if you just persevere a little longer you can reach the end? well just before reaching the ribbon, my track took a 90 degree turn.

i was all set in my plans for my career. maybe it has been all i’ve been thinking of, that’s why. first hiccup, not getting the hospital of my choice… but being the stubborn soul i am, i persisted and so am remaining here, for now.

second hiccup, in efforts to stay back in HKL, have gotten myself held stuck to Paediatrics Dept. now to get out would be one sticky mess.

since am stuck in paeds, and will be for awhile… decided to set  things to my advantage and learn all the paediatrics i need to know for paeds surgery… hence opted for neonatal rotation after doing general paediatrics.

then, comes the third hiccup… i got oncology. initially thought it was a bad baaad choice. How could this be good anyhow? i can’t stand dying kids. i can’t stand cancer, and i with all my heart, want to get out, but it seems i’m just getting deeper and deeper in…

but, for all its worth, just giving it a shot would help me, somehow. not convincing i know. i’ll try not to hide my disappointment, and do my best as working for Him. but it can never be with my full enthusiasm.

bit by bit, my passion runs dry. sigh. will i ever be Ms. Genevieve, Paediatric Surgeon?

gray dullness.

It comes to no surprise that i seem to think more these days. all my energy and now even my voice has surrendered to the profession i once beheld with great passion. (partly also because of laryngitis that i have this croaky sounding voice. some say sexy but really i don’t know… )

i think about finances, i think about the future (mine and my daughter’s so that’s double!), i think about this career i knowingly signed up for, and i think about each day. i guess if i had the time to myself i would be journalling my life away… which, now that i think of it, i am sure i can squeeze a good half hour doing whilst i await the princess of a brother to come out from work so we can go home together.

there were so many things i hopingly put off till “i become an MO” as the perception was that i would have more time. and whilst this is all true, somehow i don’t think i am a good steward of that time. i seem just as exhausted and tied down as when i was a houseman, being enslaved by my patients and the endless calls i had to do. now i need to rethink and unravel it bit by bit. perhaps each morsel i can salvage would enrich my life a little at a time, and then i would better enjoy this time of my life.

this phase where i’m neither there nor here, when having enough money is relative, when i can be so calloused at times, and when there is nothing exciting to lurch me forward to tomorrow… this phase of gray dullness. when shopping is a chore, and new shoes just another item to clog my messy room. when fine coffee tastes cheap and the little joys seem too little.

all except vanora.

of course, there is nothing to look forward to if not for her. with her bright eyes, and the excitement that she finds in everything, reminds me of once upon a time. when i saw my world through eyes such as hers. before mine became jaded and grayscale.

sometimes i just want that break with her. and today was one of those days. dressed to nine, matching accessories and my bright clogs to match my fuschia handbag, we turned heads. and for once in a long long time, i felt a warm smile creeping up on my face, and things just looked a little rosier.

thanks princess for showing me the real world. full of laughter, joy and hope.
have a great day every one!

When all you do ends you backed up against a wall…

there are days i just feel down.

but it usually never last a month. but this, this has been for the past 4 going to 5 months. sadly, the only few times i am happier, are when i am at home, or at camp/course. i hate paeds. correction: i hate working in paeds.

it’s not just being an MO. i think i would love the fact i am finally able to make decisions, to be a real doctor. so it must be this.

i love children. always have. but this is an entirely different ball game. this involves politics, heirarchy, inconsistency and illogical planning. there is no justification or reasoning. and from the jaded to the fresh, they all echo a similar plan… it’s just not the proper management and i’m just too ashamed to be a part of it.

maybe that is what frustrates me. it’s not done the right way. the way i remember it. the only person i would commend is LYN. if not for her i think the ward would fall to pieces. sigh… it’s not that the bosses and colleagues are not good. i’m no genius myself. m still learning not to kill patients, esp with my overdosing.

it’s just that i feel people are just so comfortable with their way of managing that i just learn to follow and nothing else. that frustrates me. i know i shouldn’t have to be spoon-fed and i accept my responsibility and esp my own learning, but they so often conflict with what happens in the ward that i just dun really bother anymore.

frustrated is all i am.

have no mood to write more.ciao.