Golden

i always think that being the golden man is the key to everything… you know, like in switchfoot’s song…

Switchfoot - Faust, Midas, And Myself Lyrics

This one’s about a dream
I had last night
How an old man tracked me home
And stepped inside
He put his foot inside the door
And gave a crooked smile
Something in his eyes
Something in his laugh
Something in his voice
That made my skin crawl off

He said, “I’ve seen you here before
I know your name.
You could have your pick
Of pretty things.
You could have it all
Everything at once.
Everything you’ve seen,
Everything you’ll need,
Everything you’ve ever had in fantasies.”

“You’ve one life,
You’ve one life.
You’ve one life left to lead.”

I woke up from my dream
As a golden man
With a girl I’ve never seen
With golden skin
I jumped up to my feet
She asked me what was wrong
I began to scream
I don’t think this is me
Is this just a dream
Or really happening?

What direction?
What direction?
I’m splitting up!
I’m splitting up!
This is my personal disaffection

What direction? What direction?
What direction now?

I looked outside the glass
At golden shores
Golden ships and masts
With golden cords
As my reflection passed
I hated what I saw
My golden eyes were dead
And a thought passed through my head
A heart that is made of gold can’t really beat at all

I wanted to wake up again
Without a touch of gold

What direction?
Death or action!
Life begins at the intersection.

I woke up as before
But the gold was gone
My wife was at the door
With her night robe on
My heart beat once or twice
And life flooded my veins
Everything had changed
My lungs had found their voice
And what was once routine
And what was once routine was now the perfect joy

You’ve one life
You’ve one life
One life left to lead

but you know, He has His way in everything… in especially difficult circumstances. i have been so trodden by my unsure future, and i just wished everything was at my fingertips instead. but you know, at the eleventh hour, He came through. as He always does you know…

i haven’t been blogging in a while. but maybe i will start again soon. life floods my veins again… and my lungs have found my voice!

Being poured out.

I’ve been trained all my life to serve. To serve everyone in everything. How to be a good host, how to be a good daughter/sister/niece/cousin etc. To help out in everything.

Up till now, I have been doing just that. Sometimes, it involves personal sacrifice. Sometimes even my daughter has to learn to understand. But once in awhile, it’s nice to be appreciated.

It’s nice to belong, and be wanted. It’s nice to be invited to things not because it’s so obvious if I’m not invited, but because I may be of reasonable company. For once, it’s nice to be included in things, even if there is a chance I can’t make it.

So what if I have to work and there things going on during the weekday? Maybe all I want is just to know that I’m important enough to be asked.

So it hurts now. Because I am called to pour out and be there for others, but I have no one to come share with me and want me.

O Lord, you see all. Be thou my comfort.

SCREAM

sometimes, in these rare moments, i have time on my hands. then i decide to write. but nothing comes to mind.

in fact, there are a million things i’ve thought about this day. the many weddings and marriages blooming all over my network. new haircuts, real estate, our political wars, my future, my daughter.

it comes a time when i want what my friends have: a simple life doing a 9 to 5 job, 5 days a week. having a boyfriend of 5 years which predictably ends up in marriage. having normal hair with normal haircuts that satisfy me. going places and doing things that everyone else does.

but then i realize: i’m not them. i’m ME.

i’m the crazy one not satisfied when the scariest roller coster ride is too short. who wants to be the only dr in Malaysia with fluorescent green hair highlights. who has a daughter before all her peers and is proud of her. who can do a lot of things that other people only dream of doing. who trusts completely in her God, who had brought her thus far, with so many insane adventures along the way. it’s been a blast!

sometimes i feel there should be more to life than the norm that society has set for us. more often than not, we slink into our miserable portal and resume life as if it weren’t life, it were just surviving. sure, a lot of people i know are happy. but for how long? when it all fades, what is there left?

do something different, and make an impact on your own life. then when these mundaness takes a toll on you, you can turn around and say, “well i’ve done that before, so what’s stopping me now?”

it’s not about showing off and being different just for the sake of it, it’s about being you. the real you, undefined by societal laws… the one encrypted into your DNA. the one you have been so perfectly made.

i’m gonna scream out loud just because i can, and want to!

Wanted: 3 months vacation.

it just seems that at the end of every month this year, i get visibly older and feel energy slipping out of me like a leaking vessel…

but there always, almost like clockwork, comes a spark. something to say, keep it up, you’re getting there. this is not all in vain.

a smile, a hug or even a lunch… may not be with Prince Charming, may not have the prettiest teeth and may not smell the best. but man did they light my day up!

Thanks to the patients, who haven’t much to live for, especially since they know not our God. Thanks to fellow colleagues who recognise misery on my blank face… Thank God for smses…

Now for that vacation…

Making a ninety degree

you know the season when you can see the ribbon straight ahead, and if you just persevere a little longer you can reach the end? well just before reaching the ribbon, my track took a 90 degree turn.

i was all set in my plans for my career. maybe it has been all i’ve been thinking of, that’s why. first hiccup, not getting the hospital of my choice… but being the stubborn soul i am, i persisted and so am remaining here, for now.

second hiccup, in efforts to stay back in HKL, have gotten myself held stuck to Paediatrics Dept. now to get out would be one sticky mess.

since am stuck in paeds, and will be for awhile… decided to set  things to my advantage and learn all the paediatrics i need to know for paeds surgery… hence opted for neonatal rotation after doing general paediatrics.

then, comes the third hiccup… i got oncology. initially thought it was a bad baaad choice. How could this be good anyhow? i can’t stand dying kids. i can’t stand cancer, and i with all my heart, want to get out, but it seems i’m just getting deeper and deeper in…

but, for all its worth, just giving it a shot would help me, somehow. not convincing i know. i’ll try not to hide my disappointment, and do my best as working for Him. but it can never be with my full enthusiasm.

bit by bit, my passion runs dry. sigh. will i ever be Ms. Genevieve, Paediatric Surgeon?

gray dullness.

It comes to no surprise that i seem to think more these days. all my energy and now even my voice has surrendered to the profession i once beheld with great passion. (partly also because of laryngitis that i have this croaky sounding voice. some say sexy but really i don’t know… )

i think about finances, i think about the future (mine and my daughter’s so that’s double!), i think about this career i knowingly signed up for, and i think about each day. i guess if i had the time to myself i would be journalling my life away… which, now that i think of it, i am sure i can squeeze a good half hour doing whilst i await the princess of a brother to come out from work so we can go home together.

there were so many things i hopingly put off till “i become an MO” as the perception was that i would have more time. and whilst this is all true, somehow i don’t think i am a good steward of that time. i seem just as exhausted and tied down as when i was a houseman, being enslaved by my patients and the endless calls i had to do. now i need to rethink and unravel it bit by bit. perhaps each morsel i can salvage would enrich my life a little at a time, and then i would better enjoy this time of my life.

this phase where i’m neither there nor here, when having enough money is relative, when i can be so calloused at times, and when there is nothing exciting to lurch me forward to tomorrow… this phase of gray dullness. when shopping is a chore, and new shoes just another item to clog my messy room. when fine coffee tastes cheap and the little joys seem too little.

all except vanora.

of course, there is nothing to look forward to if not for her. with her bright eyes, and the excitement that she finds in everything, reminds me of once upon a time. when i saw my world through eyes such as hers. before mine became jaded and grayscale.

sometimes i just want that break with her. and today was one of those days. dressed to nine, matching accessories and my bright clogs to match my fuschia handbag, we turned heads. and for once in a long long time, i felt a warm smile creeping up on my face, and things just looked a little rosier.

thanks princess for showing me the real world. full of laughter, joy and hope.
have a great day every one!

When all you do ends you backed up against a wall…

there are days i just feel down.

but it usually never last a month. but this, this has been for the past 4 going to 5 months. sadly, the only few times i am happier, are when i am at home, or at camp/course. i hate paeds. correction: i hate working in paeds.

it’s not just being an MO. i think i would love the fact i am finally able to make decisions, to be a real doctor. so it must be this.

i love children. always have. but this is an entirely different ball game. this involves politics, heirarchy, inconsistency and illogical planning. there is no justification or reasoning. and from the jaded to the fresh, they all echo a similar plan… it’s just not the proper management and i’m just too ashamed to be a part of it.

maybe that is what frustrates me. it’s not done the right way. the way i remember it. the only person i would commend is LYN. if not for her i think the ward would fall to pieces. sigh… it’s not that the bosses and colleagues are not good. i’m no genius myself. m still learning not to kill patients, esp with my overdosing.

it’s just that i feel people are just so comfortable with their way of managing that i just learn to follow and nothing else. that frustrates me. i know i shouldn’t have to be spoon-fed and i accept my responsibility and esp my own learning, but they so often conflict with what happens in the ward that i just dun really bother anymore.

frustrated is all i am.

have no mood to write more.ciao.

By the end of the day…

An interesting question really.

By the end of today, what do i wish to have happened?

I could come up with a load of things on my wishlist, prayerlist and whatnots. Or i could come up with nothing really. After all, what do i really want at this point in time?

I have had the luxury of being a mom to the most adorable little girl. I have pursued my dreams and am on my way to an exciting career of meeting people and shining on their lives. I know where I am going in the afterlife, and I am glad I know my Saviour. I have a great family and great friends.

So what could i possibly want?

I guess it would be to be able to truly enjoy all these things.

To enjoy the company of my little girl and be a part of her life as she grows. Not just to watch her grow, but to help her along. To put a smile on her face as she does to me. To bring her up in the right way; that I would be a godly mother.

To further pursue my career to be the Paediatric Surgeon that I desire to be. To enjoy and never tire of meeting my patients’ needs. To encourage my juniors and to inspire them to reach beyond where they are. After all, there were so many who inspired me, I owe it to them to pass the passion on.

To enjoy my heavenhood on earth. To bring His kingdomness to where I am, so others may enjoy all that I have enjoyed. To be reminded of all I have endured for His sake, and to know that every altar laid, and every tear shed was not in vain but was for His glory alone. Greater things ahead!

To love and cherish each family member as they rightfully deserve. To listen to the younger ones and be the pillar of comfort and strength, lest they falter. To herald the words of fathers and mothers, as each i treat as my own. Family is where heaven begins, and where would i be without them?

And, friends. True bliss in happy feet days, a solace in days of distress. The ache that won’t go away soothed only by the sweetest of words. Only friends have that touch.

So at the end of the day, i wish i could be a better person. And by God’s grace, I can!

With God’s help, I will do my best to serve God, my church and my fellowman. To live by the Rangers’ Code, to make the Golden Rule, my daily rule.

u r not the only one.

you, of all people, should talk the least. young, immature, and too green to know what i’ve been through. your problems and your experiences are nothing. just evidence of a young boy trying to reach a level he has not attained.

it’s ok. you have time.

i don’t though.

i get the point when you don’t return my calls, smses or greetings. when everything seems too distracting that the person who once distracted you remains a wallflower, there only when the stage is unoccupied.

i understand your emotions of the thrill you get being successful in almost every catch, but truth is, i was on to you. bet you never saw that coming. feel free to ask my friends, cos they know me best.

too bad it didn’t turn out.

tough shit.

in all its glory…

romance, romance. frivolous affairs when the spring rolls into summer…
evident in my four year old, infatuated with a peer, handsome as he is.
love, in the wrong hands, may not be love at all. caught between a love triangle, there is strife between girlfriends where they once held hands.
is it too young? definitely. but if mommy is not getting some, then where is this coming from? media? outside influences? it’s true you can never protect your child enough, but you can most certainly educate them. so that’s what i’ve been doing. sigh… didn’t think it would start this young though… :S